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From Donald Trump to KFC, the news gave us plenty of head scratchers this week. Here’s a roundup of the more egregious ones.
1) Americans work longer hours than any of the world’s economic counterparts. But Jeb Bush, the hardest working man in the biz, thinks this nation of slackers should work more: “My aspiration for the country and I believe we can achieve it, is 4 percent growth as far as the eye can see. Which means we have to be a lot more productive, workforce participation has to rise from its all-time modern lows. It means that people need to work longer hours,” the presidential hopeful said during a Periscoped interview with New Hampshire’s The Union Leader. “That’s the only way we’re going to get out of this rut that we’re in.” Just go ahead and cancel that summer vacation, ok? You’ve got an economy to fix!
2) Conservatives worried about the effects of marriage equalization? Ted Cruz to the rescue! “At the oral argument for the gay marriage case, Justice Alito asked … if the Obama administration prevails and convinces this court to strike down the marriage laws of all fifty states, is the next step for the Obama IRS to come after Christian universities, and by extension Christian grade schools, Christian charities, even Christian churches, and for the matter, Jewish churches or charities or schools? Catholic, Mormon, even Muslim?” he told Glenn Beck. “If your church, whatever faith it may be, believes in the union of marriage as one man and one woman, the Obama Justice Department has already admitted it may be targeting your church.”He’ll save all the churches from homosexuals, even the Jewish ones. You can thank him, and Jesus, for that later.
3) Laura Prepon was on the cover of Scientology’s Celebrity magazine. We present without comment: “Another big realization I had in my auditing is that there is a bigger picture. This is my career but it does not define me. I am so much bigger than this career and industry. It’s my job and it’s very important to me, but, when I have huge wins in session, and when you really cognate that you are a thetan and you have a mind and body, and that the MEST universe does not control you—it puts things into perspective.”
4) In the wake of unsealed testimony that has Bill Cosby admitting to drugging women before having sex with them (also known as rape), Whoopi Goldberg is STILL defending him. “I’ve said what I’ve always said, innocent until proven guilty in the United States of America,” she said on The View. “No one has convicted him, he has not been arrested, and the bottom line is that’s the law.” We can’t even with this.
5) The always-reliable Donald Trump, now also a presidential hopeful, came through this week with flying colors. Or’ shall we say flaming? His Twitter war with Modern Family writer Danny Zuker is pure gold.
And for extra credit, KFC: The Chizza. ’Nuff said.
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