A photo of Donald Trump with legos of soldiers behind him.

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That’s What She Said

Lewis Tse Pui Lung / Shutterstock.com

Everyone Hates a Parade

Except of course for five-time-deferrer “Cadet Bone Spurs” Trump, who is throwing military pageant tantrum.

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Donald Trump is forcing the Pentagon to throw him a military parade because he loves violent rallies and war parades and I’m not supposed to compare him to Hitler. Okay, fine, but we can all agree he is a draft-dodger and, listen, I do not judge draft-dodging. I’d dodge a draft faster than you can say, “Eh?” I have the Canadian Tinder app on my phone in case I need to marry a hockey player and go have a marginally successful acting career in Toronto. Fleeing to Canada would actually be a step up for me. I would unapologetically guzzle the glorious health care and wondrous maple syrup, but the difference between me and 45 is, I know you can’t have your maple syrup and drink it too. If you’re a draft-dodging president, you can’t request a blatant, pre-war Germany military parade or else I will call you Hitler. I know everyone is tired of the Hitler-Trump comparisons but … they like the same things! If Hitler and TMZ had an elderly baby, it would be Trump. You don’t even have to worry about the time-traveling Baby Hitler dilemma, you’re doing a great job of not killing Baby Hitler right now.

Grandpa Baby Hitler and Regular Hitler have a lot in common. They both enjoy white supremacy, authoritarian regimes, propaganda, sticking their terrible dicks into thimbles of bull semen, and weird fucking parades. “Fake News” is the new “Lügenpresse” except we don’t even need a new “Lügenpresse” because Trump’s supporters shout “Lügenpresse” at his rallies! Their supporters carry lit torches, shout the same Nazi hate slurs, get the same shitty Nazi haircuts, and we’re supposed to just keep paying taxes and going to work and casually dating idiots? We’re supposed to go mini-golfing with Todd who was able to buy a house because his podcast about caterpillars has a patreon that brings in $18,000 a month? Fuck off, Todd! This is the end of democracy, I’m not spending it mini-golfing with some caterpillar-obsessed dillhole. Fetch me my touque, I’m marrying a Canuck for shelter!

Hump, or Tritler, if you prefer, have always shared a passion for the arts. Hitler was a painter and Trump is the lead singer of Bone Spurz N’ Harmony. Bone Spurz N’ Harmony will be headlining the upcoming parade and yes they do sound like a barbershop quartet that gargles piss for a living.

The last time America had an epic military parade was 1991. It was a big, dumb mess and it cost $12 million. The 2018 version would obviously be huger, dumber, and uncut and it would cost around $20 million. It would feature a lot of frightening military machinery that doesn’t even fit on the street without ripping out street lamps. Hey, if you want to see a 30-ton Bradley Fighting Vehicle in action, check out your stepmom’s cart at Costco. And if you want to see amphibious assault vehicles in D.C., watch Trump’s grotesque hands in a jacuzzi full of models. I am an advocate for him not having hands anymore. Guns don’t kill people, hands do. Just kidding, guns AND hands kill people and it’s terrifying all the time.

Speaking of guns and hands, the parade isn’t even pro-military. It’s not for the military and their families—it’s for him. It is an infantile, large-scale LEGO party, and many members of the military are already embarrassed by it. Retired Lt. Gen. Mark Hertling was fighting in Iraq while the 1991 military parade was taking place. President George H.W. Bush sat behind bullet-proof-pope-mobile glass and watched a beauty pageant of tanks roll by to celebrate the end of a war that was still happening. It was supposed to be symbolic and patriotic and for some I’m sure it was. While in combat, Hertling heard about the parade from another soldier and said, “I would rather be in combat than marching down Pennsylvania Avenue.” That’s how much he didn’t want to be in the parade. Many active and retired members of the military share his viewpoint. It’s a waste of money, resources, and time that could be better spent with their loved ones. Tritler, a “loved one” is a person that you love. Love is the opposite of all of your instincts and a person is … okay, I give up, a person is like a mini Howitzer with slightly better posture.

Some people are calling the parade a brilliant political move. And I guess it is. If people are willing to dig themselves deeper into the lie of Trump’s false patriotism. Which is, you know, straight out of Goebbels’ propaganda playbook. Patriotism isn’t nationalism. You can wrap a swastika in an American flag but that doesn’t make it patriotic. But everyone loves a charade. It is human nature to long for a more palatable version of the truth. There are some good-hearted people who want to believe America was always great for everyone. So give them a fighter-jet-choreographed skyline and a firecracker Popsicle and let them bask in the illusion of a greatness that was never good. There are also hate-hearted people longing for the great ol’ days when you could wear your KKK hood in peace and shout your bigotry in public. When a man was a man and a woman was a sweet, obedient girl who knew to take her barbiturates, spread her legs, and shut her mouth on command. It was so great for certain people and they’d like it to be great, like it was, again. Great for just them.

There is a noxious gap between the theatricality of supporting our troops and the reality of supporting our troops. The pomp and circumstance of a $20 million military parade is like punching veterans in the face. It’s hard to get an exact count but the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) estimates that 39,471 veterans are homeless on any given night. Heartbreakingly, that number is an improvement. In 2010, President Obama made a public promise to end veterans’ homelessness and he really made a dent. He increased funding for community intervention programs at the VA and HUD and basically cut the estimated number of homeless veterans in half. Last year, the Trump administration tried to cut a homeless-vet program that benefits extremely vulnerable veterans like the chronically ill. I don’t know why Trump has a strong approval rating among veterans, he treats them like shit. Oh, wait, yes I do: A lot of veterans also happen to be old and white and male and that demographic is Trump’s ultimate jam. They love him because he tells them they’re great, like Frosted Flakes.

I don’t know what Trump wants to call the parade but I would pitch “There Will Be Tanks” or “The Fascist and the Führerest.” Can someone tell Trump we have a big deal Thanksgiving Day parade in New York and a pretty flowery New Year’s Day parade in Pasadena and if he goes to Disneyland there are magic light bulb parades that happen EVERY NIGHT? Can someone take that sad, dried-apricot baby to Disneyland? Please also swing by Disney World to show him the impeccable job they did on his animatronic robot. The likeness is uncanny:

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