Illustrations by Emily Flake
Wonder what to do with yourself on International Love Day? We got you covered.
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Welcome to Whisper Valley! We are so grateful that you’ve chosen to spend your Valentine’s Day with us. We remain committed to providing our guests with a holiday experience that is truly one-of-a-kind, romantic, and, since 2014, entirely fire-code compliant.
Here are a few of our most popular Valentine’s packages—with something for everyone, you’re sure to find something that will suit even the most discerning of tastes (even yours, BARBARA).
Endless Honeymoon: Whether you’re newly wed or decades in the game, this suite will overwhelm you with a nonstop torrent of romance. From the mountains of flowers atop the heart-shaped bed to the fountain of lube (choose from unflavored, cherry, or sparkling), this suite is a love-bomb designed to delight the senses as it destroys the defenses. Feeling peckish? Enjoy a treat from the Tower of Chocolates next to the two-person Jacuzzi—but make sure you save room for the edible underpants! And when it’s time for a quick catnap in between dinner and lovemaking, you can doze to the sweet sounds of smooth-jazz icon Kenny G, who lives in the crawl space.
Galentine’s Day: Patriarchy got you down? Reclaim your time with your BFF with our tribute to female friendship. Kick back with a movie from a specially curated selection of DVDs like A League of Their Own, Thelma and Louise, and Monster while you scarf down room-service cheeseburgers like a couple of gals with nobody to impress. This room features twin beds placed close enough together for you to chat the night away while still maintaining your own space, yet light enough for you to push together should you finally realize that the love you’ve been waiting for has been here all the time, dummy.
Single’s Suite: You might be single on Valentine’s Day, but you don’t have to be alone! Enjoy the wild, anything-can-happen vibe in our communal-bed fun palace and forget you ever thought monogamy was a goal. Fully stocked with erotic fruits, latex-free condoms, and MDMA, this package is the most decadent way to #TreatYoself since the invention of the Rabbit. The Single’s Suite also features solitude pods for when you’ve just had enough, or when you need a second to process the rush of depression should societal messaging about your worth as an unattached woman—at your age!— intrude on your good-time sport-fucking. Legally binding universal consent forms available at reception.
Couple’s Therapy: Why pay for a bed when what you really need is a couch? Enjoy an intensive session with our in-house relationship therapist/pool manager Shelly, whose take-no-prisoners approach has saved so many marriages from foundering and children from drowning. Shelly will guide you through the rough patches that arise so easily on a holiday that reminds us of nothing so much as what we wished our love was like, and then she will teach you how to tie a perfect bowline knot.
Family Special: Finally, a chance to use our soundproof room for good! Check in and then check out with our special package for families with young kids—let our highly trained and rigorously vetted employees, all of whom have paid their debts to society, take charge of your little ones while you relax with a bottle of red and a complimentary dish of Vicodin. Don’t worry, we’ll wake you gently in the morning!
Way-back-when Bungalow: Feeling nostalgic for those heady days of your early sexual awakening? Our Bungalow provides the perfect setting to take a sexy stroll down Memory Lane. We’ve got scratchy couches, tucked-away corners away from prying eyes, and a full basement with a comfy pile of laundry just waiting for you to fool around on it like the randy little badger you were so very long ago. Our staff has been well-trained to assist, and are able to take on the role of a nosy mom, an angry dad, or a sibling who “just wants to listen to you bone.” Requires 48-hour advance notice to source period-appropriate décor.
In-room Massage: Need a little help getting started on your erotic journey? Let your worries float away along with your inhibitions courtesy of our vintage Magic Fingers vibrating bed. Lie down flat on your back to work out any tension, and then flip over and carefully position yourself on the corner to bring back the right kind of tension, if you get our drift. Don’t worry, everybody does it! It’s definitely not weird!
We’d like to wish all of our guests a safe and happy Valentine’s Day—please come back!
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