Watch the best reality show on TV tonight, and prepare to be in a world of pain tomorrow. Don't thank us, thank these 10 charmers.
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It’s the first GOP debate of 2016, and, if you are anything like me, you are drawn to it in sort the same way you can’t quite stop sniffing the really curdled milk in the fridge that expired four weeks ago and you forgot about.
First off: DON’T DRINK THAT MILK! THROW IT OUT! But obviously, drinking something is key, and there are drinking games galore on the internet. As a very short-lived Rolling Stone contributor, I feel I owe a little homage to the Matt Taibbi debate drinking game, but let’s be frank, it’s a little dude-centric. Sure, there may be no women speaking at the OFFICIAL BIG-BOY PRIMETIME EVENT (sorry, Carly), but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a little ladies’ time in the drinking game.
I hear by offer new DAME rules: More social issues for more social drinking!
Take one drink:
1. When a candidate mentions “God.” (Two drinks if he actually pulls out a Bible and reads from it.)
2. When a candidate says, “There is no war on women.”
3. When a candidate mentions his wife. Or child. One drink for each mention. Be glad there are no Duggars on stage.
4. When a candidate says “religious freedom.”
5. When a candidate calls a fetus or embryo a “baby.”
6. When a candidate mentions seeing his child/grandchild’s first ultrasound.
7. When a candidate mentions defunding Planned Parenthood. Two drinks if the candidate actually mentions having defunded Planned Parenthood. (Slam your drink if they say “Planned Parenthood doesn’t perform mammograms.” Then cry a little.)
8. When a candidate talks about Hillary Clinton’s email. Two drinks if he mentions Bill Clinton.
9. When a sitting senator suggests a government shutdown.
10. When Mike Huckabee suggests calling out the army or FBI to stop abortion. (Slam your drink if he literally brings out a phone to call them. Drink all the drinks if they actually come.)
11. When Donald Trump slams another candidate. Two drinks if another candidate responds with profanity.
13. One drink if a candidate suggests women get married to get off welfare.
14. One drink for every mention of a “Christian nation.”
15. One drink for any mention of repealing Obamacare. Slam your drink if they actually mention details on what it would be replaced with.
16. One drink for any misappropriation of #blacklivesmatter, including claims “all lives matter” or “blacklivesmatter” as an anti-abortion trope.
17. One drink for any explicit thanking of police officers for their dangerous work.
18. One drink when a candidate suggests theaters should have metal detectors to stop theater shootings. Two drinks if a candidate suggests more guns as the answer to stopping gun violence. Slam your drink if a candidate says he is carrying a gun at that moment and then puts it on the podium to prove it.
19. One drink each time a candidate advocates for stricter immigration policies. Two drinks if the candidate mentions it in conjunction with his own family. Three drinks if he also throws in Spanish words while doing it.
20. Finally, slam your drink when you hear “God bless you, and God bless America” because odds are it is over and you made it out alive.
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