Humor

Women Who Have It All Are Bold Enough to Cut the Cheese!


And other secrets of success to consider for your 2015 New Year's resolutions.



No glass-ceiling-smasher eats cheese. No leaner-inner skips her daily fitness routine. Each one of our powerful sisters multitasks while she is multitasking.

I want to be one of them, but I don’t know if I can cut it. (Woeful confession: I prefer milk chocolate to the superior and antioxidant dark chocolate.) I pore over every article that details the routines of strong and successful women: Marissa Mayer, Sheryl Sandberg, Melinda Gates, Diane von Furstenberg, Amy Pascal, Mrs. Page—every last one of them. Then I make charts to see what these “commandas” have in common. What are their secrets to success?

As a service to you mortal women, I’ve digested, collated, condensed, and now will list the daily habits of these heroines and goddesses.

1. No dairy. They drink almond milk, coconut water, water with lemon, soy milk, soy milk with spinach and/or spirulina. There is no time in a busy lady’s day to process dairy. Or anything that you might actually enjoy eating. Also note: Cheese is a distraction.

2. No sleeping in. Unless you consider 6 a.m. to be an indulgent hour at which to arise. Successful women get up early and make those wonderful hemp, kefir, cayenne, and distilled water smoothies and either exercise for an hour or meditate on the coming day’s events. They are mindful from the second they wake.

3. They have time to rouse their children, cuddle with their children, feed their children, and have profound talks with their children. All before 7 a.m. (Their partners may still be asleep. They are not mentioned yet.)

4. While focusing on gratitude, they make elaborate breakfasts for their children: spelt Belgian waffles, fragrant fruit-filled fibrous muffins, and oat-bran doughnut holes.

5. There are no mentions of household helpers, nannies, cooks, or au pairs. Or husbands.

6. Whoops. Now there are. Husbands show up and might drive a child or two to school en route to their “jobs.”

7. Powerful mothers are now en route to their destinies, listening to NPR, reading the papers, and taking stock. They are still mindful and grateful as they head to their offices.

8. Upon arrival, they drink rainforest-approved coffee—one after another—again, without dairy improvements.

9. They try to hire and promote other women in whom they see promise. Or other women who graduated summa from Stanford, M.I.T., and Harvard. But sometimes, they just have to recruit men.

10. Very often successful women have to travel out of town for their professions. They have left no clues as to what happens when they are away from home. Will investigate for future digest.

 

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