Art by Daiana Feuer

Aging

Photo by Art by Daiana Feuer

Travels Through Trash: The DAME Guide to Aging Trashily


Because when you’re a celebrity, age doesn’t necessarily bring wisdom.



Like literacy and Honey Boo Boo’s mom, celebrity and aging just don’t mix. So how do our favorite trashy celebrities stave off that most powerful of enemies– gravity? Do they fall off the radar and take up gardening? Hell no! Do they get unregulated plastic surgery from Dr. Drake Ramoray at the Alabama School of Fillers? Hell yes! After all, celebs will not do ANYTHING gracefully—least of all aging.

If you’re staring into the abyss of your own mortality, here are a few hot tips from celebs on how to grow old trashily. Who knows – you too could look like a piece of beef jerky in a straw wig, desperately clamoring for attention from a youth obsessed society!

Sharon Osbourne

Sharon’s secret to defying age is this: perpetually act like an idiot 22 year old. Dye your hair cray cray colors! Parcel up your own turds and send them to your enemies!

Embark on the Atkins diet 10 years after the guy who invented it died—weighing 258 pounds!

Be rock and roll, dammit! OK, so you can’t eat carbs, and your breath will reek like a dead skunk rotting in a hot tub, but all that money from the Atkins deal will keep you looking young (ish)—until you walk past McDonalds.

 

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Kris Jenner

The Queen of F***** Everything doesn’t get her hands dirty—she delegates. Why bother forging a career of your own when you can cunningly use your family to create an empire of trash? Kris stays young by pimping out her kids, and taking out her frustrations on Bruce, who looks back at her like a forlorn Garbage Pail Kid in velour. She becomes stronger, her skirts become shorter, and the make up becomes thicker. Meanwhile, Bruce’s face collapses daily from the strain and has to be reset every day with scaffolding and a layer of high-density flesh colored concrete.

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Simon Cowell

If you want to look wrinkle-free, yet continuously surprised/disappointed, take a tip from professional TV panel naysayer Simon Cowell. He appears to use Botox and high waisted slacks to ease his transition into middle age, and they work a treat. Where his face used to be is a globe of undulating cheek pouches with eyebrows somewhere up by the X-Factor lighting rig. Does he achieve this effect with injections or is it the perpetual wedgie in his pants? Only Simon knows. And he wouldn’t even tell you because he can’t move his mouth anymore.

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Madonna

In Madonna’s world, if your arms look like that talking tree stump from The Neverending Story, you will somehow defy God and live forever. Madonna’s solution to aging isn’t trashy per se: she simply presumes she’s exempt. So work those arms, tone those abs, and have your entire face subtly re-sculptured to resemble a dewy-skinned debutante at the cost of a bazillion dollars. Then become a flying yogi and live until you’re 152 in the foothills of Tibet. Oh you’d rather watch infomercials in a recliner and become slowly incontinent? OK, then.

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Vicki Gunvalson

Here’s a radical approach to aging. Every time anyone says something mean about you, simply get your head re-upholstered so that you resemble someone else entirely. After someone called her ‘Miss Piggy’ in 2012, housewife of Orange County Vicki Gunvalson had her ENTIRE face remodeled. In tears, she went down to that surgeons office, had her nose thinned out and a chin implant, and now she looks like Zoot from the Muppets. ‘I’m still numb,’ she says. ‘It’ll take a year to fully heal.’ Ah, in the land ‘o’ trashy celebrity, nothing says ‘I’m young and beautiful ‘ like a paralyzed face…

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