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Art by Daiana Feuer
Tags: Leaked

The Pope Test

It turns out all applicants for the Pope job need to pass a simple written test.
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It’s the biggest job in religion, and the competition will be fierce. But as the College of Cardinals enters its secretive conclave, which qualifications will they consider?

Luckily, DAME has managed to get its hands on several pages of the exhaustive internal questionnaire circulated among the candidates.

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(Page 18)

 

COMMUNICATION SKILLS

 

The Lord gave us Twitter so that we might spread his teaching, especially to the young.  In 140 characters or less, please articulate official teaching on the following issues:

 

22. How the ordination of women is unnecessary because women already get to wear dresses.

 

23. Why it isn’t technically “child rape” if the boy is post-pubescent.

 

24. How Ellen DeGeneres threatens world peace.

 

25. Why priests cannot marry even if same-sex unions become legal where they live.

 

26. How condoms spread HIV/AIDS.

 

 

(Page 31)

 

51. Nothing takes attention away from a corruption scandal like a well-timed, light-hearted edict. We have provided three such examples below - please articulate the pros and cons of each and provide three of your own.

 

-         The Lord offers a standing pardon for all naughty puppies.

-         It is a sin to wear black socks with brown shoes.

-         A formal declaration that the Church finds the conversion of Newt Gingrich hilarious.

 

 

52. Crisis management is a core responsibility. Please explain how you would handle the following emergencies:

 

-         A forensic analyst spills ketchup on the Shroud of Turin.

-         Justin Bieber claims to have been abused by a priest. 

-         Jesus actually returns. 

 

 

(Page 61)

 

PERSONALITY PORTRAIT

 

Choose one and give your reasoning:

 

101. Johnny Weir or Anderson Cooper?

 

102. Glee or Smash?

 

103. Skinny ties or vests?

 

104. Sunsets or sunrises?

 

105. Cristiano Ronaldo or David Beckham?

 

106. Ice cream or frozen yogurt?

 

 

(Page 92)

 

MULTIPLE-CHOICE SECTION

 

 

213. The Vatican decides to open an Instagram account. As part of your strategy you will post daily pictures of:

 

1. Your lunch.

2. Altar Boy of the Week.

3. Hair and makeup shots before Sunday blessing.

4. Your new shoes.

 

 

214. Enemies argue that the Church’s ban on contraception causes poor families to have more children than they can afford. This is false because:

 

1. It only holds true if you use math.

2. It assumes that people enjoy sex.

3. Spiritual poverty trumps actual poverty.

4. Magic.

 

 

215. Last year the Church ordered American nuns to focus less on fighting poverty and more on denouncing same-sex marriage and abortion. This was an excellent decision because:

 

1. If nuns take on gays, we have a chance. People love nuns.

2. Rick Santorum was not working out as a spokesman.

3. It is what Jesus would have wanted.

4. Nuns were becoming too popular.

 

 

216. Pope John Paul II stated in 1994 that the Church could not ordain women even if it wanted to because it doesn’t have the authority. This declaration is known as:

 

1. The “Don’t blame me, blame God” defense.

2. A cautionary tale on why every pope needs to remember to take his pills.

3. The end of the discussion.

4. All of the above.

 

 

217. The reason the Holy See invested $30 million in a Rome apartment block that houses both priests and Europe’s largest gay sauna is:

 

1. Men in robes feel at home around men in robes.

2. Convenience (for spreading the good news).

3. Sauna-adjacent property is a sound investment.

4. The state tax breaks are too good to pass up.

 

 

(Page 103)

 

FASHION & STYLE

 

237. Interest in papal fashion is at an unprecedented high. How do you plan to enhance our influence in this industry? (Include social media strategy).

 

238. Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI was widely hailed for his red Moroccan leather shoes. What will your signature wardrobe item be?

 

239. How will your fashion choices appeal to and engage women? Be sure to list any relevant fashion blogging experience.

 

 

Tags: Leaked   Religion