Last Friday night, on the eve of April Fool's Day, Trump teratoma Sean Spicer announced that the Trump administration was declaring this month to be Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month—and it was said in earnest. He delivered this proclamation, with a straight face, in hopes we wouldn’t notice how incredibly offensive and patronizing it is coming from a man accused of alleged sexual assault, harassment, and rape.
Thanks to lax security and absence of visitor logs, I managed to get my hands on the original proclamation markup straight from the Predator-In-Chief’s Mar-a- Lago gold-plated bathroom.
NATIONAL SEXUAL ASSAULT AWARENESS AND PREVENTION MONTH, 2017
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PRESIDENT SO-CALLED PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
At the heart of our country is the emphatic belief that every person has unique and infinite value.
We dedicate In 2009, President Barack Obama declared April the first ever Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. We are dedicated to raising awareness about sexual abuse and recommitting (I don’t remember committing to this? In fact, I am kinda sorta positive I didn’t?) ourselves to fighting it. Now, I am telling all you April fools it was my idea! Women, children, and men have inherent dignity that should never be violated. Except for the following:
- Ivana Trump who accused me of rape but then backed down during divorce hearings
- Allegedly the crew of girls and women from an incrementally verified Steele Dossier
- Fat slobs, housekeepers, etc.
- Rosie O’Donnell
- Pussies within reach of my carottes bébé fingers
- Megan “bleeding from wherever” Kelly
- Women too ugly to be raped
- Temple Taggart, Summer Zervos, Jessica Drake and Rachel Crooks (and so many more)
- Nasty women, I mean, such nasty women
- Women who ask for it by:
- Working for me
- Walking down the street
- Dress in anything but a full length potato sack.
- Work for me (did I write that already?)
I could go on but Bannon is giving me the “wrap it up, Vlad is on the phone” hand signal.
According to the Department of Justice, on average there are more than 300,000 instances of rape or other sexual assault that afflict1, our neighbors and loved ones every year, heck, probably half of those are a result of my ongoing work to be the biggest male chauvinist pig ever. #MAGA!
Behind these painful statistics are real people whose lives are profoundly affected. at times shattered, and who are invariably in need of our help, commitment, and protection. Yeah, I don’t care but whatever you think sounds good, Sean. As we recognize National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month, we are reminded that we all share the responsibility to reduce and ultimately end sexual violence. As a Nation, we must develop meaningful strategies to eliminate these crimes, including increasing awareness of the problem in our communities, creating systems that protect vulnerable groups, and sharing successful prevention strategies. See above comment, don’t care. My Administration, including the Department of Justice and the Department of Health and Human Services, will do everything in its power to protect women, children, and men from sexual violence. This includes supporting victims, preventing future abuse, and prosecuting offenders to the full extent of the law. I have already directed the Attorney General to create a task force on crime reduction and public safety. This task force will develop strategies to reduce crime and propose new legislation to fill gaps in existing laws. None of this is true and since my supporters get their news from Fox, Brietbart, Infowars and junk, they will just believe this crap I had Spicey release in a Friday news dump. And it is crap I gotta tell you, people are saying it, and I mean, it is bigly. (By the way, notice “reduce crime” instead of “reduce sexual assault”? Yeah, that’s about those dirty illegals because I mean, rape, schmape.)
Prevention means reducing the prevalence of sexual violence on our streets, in our homes, and in our schools and institutions. Recent research has demonstrated the effectiveness of changing social norms that accept or allow indifference to sexual violence2. About that indifference and acceptance of sexual violence here’s what you need to know: I am president amirite??
This can be done by engaging young people to step in and provide peer leadership against condoning violence, and by mobilizing men and boys as allies in preventing sexual and relationship violence. Our families, schools, and communities must encourage respect for women and children, who are the vast majority of victims, and promote healthy personal relationships. Unless the alleged rape of a 14-year-old in a high school bathroom can further my anti-immigrant agenda. We must never give up the fight against the scourge of child pornography and its pernicious effects on both direct victims and the broader culture (The right wing, anti-gay, anti-woman, anti-choice Heritage Foundation and the super anti-gay, anti-woman, anti-choice The Family Research Council and Mike Pence made me put all that in there. I like porn I mean I was in a soft-core porn so again: don’t care about any of this).
We recommit ourselves this month to establishing a culture of respect and appreciation for the dignity of every human being (Mike P. said we need this in there to set up a national personhood bill so he can finally declare a human egg is actually a citizen. Then he told me because you know rape: when life hands you lemons.)
Note to self: get Nunes over here make sure the “Every Egg A Flag Pin” amendment added to personhood bill to require every human egg wear tiny flag pin. Ivanka is selling pins on QVC = yuge $$.
There is tremendous (I love that word) work to be done.
Together, we can and must protect our loved ones, families, campuses, and communities from the devastating and pervasive effects of sexual assault. Blabbity blab blabbity blah harrumph harrrump… In the face of sexual violence, we must commit to providing meaningful support and services for victims and survivors in the United States and around the world I am actively trying to abolish foreign aid that could help prevent rape in overflowing refugee camps around the world, help the girls abducted by Boko Haram, or the women still reliving the nightmare of rape as a weapon of war in the former Yugoslavia.
NOW, THEREFORE, I, DONALD J. TRUMP, So-Called President of the United States of America, landslide loser of the popular vote even with overwhelming interference and disinformation campaign waged by Russia in my favor, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution, which I have never read and would like to shred (OMG I rhymed!!!!!!) and the laws of the United States,
do hereby proclaim April 2017 as National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month take credit for the creation of Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month by actual, legitimate two term president Barack Hussain Obama, because I lie all the time about things I do and say.
I urge all Americans (except me), families (except mine), law enforcement (except the DOJ and Jeff Sessions), health care providers (but not Planned Parenthood because Mike Pence told me they are bad I get to defund them here and around the world), community and faith-based organizations, and private organizations to support survivors of sexual assault and work together to prevent these crimes in their communities. Good luck! Because I am cutting funding to all sorts of training programs geared at making this happen, as well as rolling back title IX protections which will no doubt result in an uptick of uninvestigated assaults – not only at the college level – but bonus! in K – 12 environments. Screw VAWA.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my freakishly orange
hand left foot this thirty-first day of March, in the year of our Lord (I had to put that in there because wowzers the voting block those God people make up!) two thousand seventeen, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and forty-first.
J. “Not A Puppet” TRUMP
1 Jared just told me it doesn’t work in this sentence that I should have written something like impacts, plagues, etc., because “afflict” in this sentence about assault suggests a passivity instead of conveying the hate and anger that predicates an attack. But I don’t listen to Jared anymore because he went skiing and made the democrats kill my attempt to kill Obamacare. Oh, and because I don’t really care about this subject at all. I mean, like in the least.
2 This may or may not be true. I really don’t care because I don’t care. And, if there is such research it sure as hell isn’t the result of my efforts to fund, track and try to implement policy changes based on empirical outcomes.
Note to Steve: remind me to tweet at 3 am about Susan Rice, Fox News.