December 11, 2015
In an unprecedented move that turns back an institutional canon going back to the dawn of time, it was announced that the Gates of Hell will immediately initiate a total and complete shutdown of Donald Trump or his worshippers from entering the Inferno, until its demons and the damned can figure out what’s going on.
Speaking in a 10-minute address from his throne that was heard above the noise of wailing and gnashing, the Prince of Darkness first described a very open admissions to the outer darkness.
“We have never discriminated against evil. Hell has unlimited room for people of all faiths," Satan said. "That whole, “Give us your wretched...” sort of thing. And we normally do: Adolph, Gacy, Pol Pot, and the like. We even have a torture pits prepped and waiting for Dick Cheney and Bernie Madoff. So at first glance, the Donald’s fire and brimstone oratory would seem like a perfect fit! But we draw the line with unreasonable and irrational extremists,” he intoned sonorously.
A smoldering resentment was noted to creep into conversations soon after the presidential nominee announced his bid. And by Halloween, the chorus of wails had reached to the highest levels in the unholy lair of the Beast, demanding action.
Beelzebulb went on to relate, "I’ve already spent half the day dealing with a very concerned contingent from the 9/11 hijackers; they consider allowing Trump and his acolytes entry as disrupting to their Safe Space. For once, I have to agree.”
Hell’s hierarchy are concerned about the disruption to the normally placid eternal damnation. With Trump’s continued rise in political polls, the fear is that a surge in the accursed seeking placement in the Underworld would risk accepting those with hidden, moderate views of existence and charity for all.
The speech was not detailed on specifics actions he would take, other than a longer admissions process, and building a wall. “And it will be a beautiful wall. We can’t have his sycophants pouring over our border.” Old Scratch added that they would be sent back for another election cycle, but all would be promised an eventual Path to the 7th Circle provided they maintained a blatant multi-faceted philosophy of extremism.
Satan declined to take questions from his minions. But before excusing himself for the arrival of the day’s shocked newcomers to the lake of fire, he offered a warning to another American presidential contender.
"Ted Cruz, I’m looking at you! Don’t push me.”