Art by Daiana Feuer


Photo by Art by Daiana Feuer

Five “Sexiest Men” Lists We’d Love to See But Won’t

With all the effort that is put into making lists of society’s sexiest members — who, let’s face it, are mostly women — we thought we’d dedicate a moment to the special guys out there least likely to ever make the cut.

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With ever-growing quantities of lists gushing over the hottest women in fields like business, tech and television news, no one could blame you for getting the impression that sex appeal is apparently a central ingredient for success in these competitive and highly-skilled industries. Are you likely to get the same impression about men in high-powered careers? Probably not. Here’s our own list of a few noteworthy men who have successfully wielded significant power despite tangible failures in the looks department. 

Top Five Sexiest Framers of the Constitution

George Washington had only one remaining tooth by the time of his first inauguration, and one chronicler of the Constitutional Convention noted that Alexander Hamilton’s manners were “tinctured with stiffness, and sometimes with a degree of vanity that is highly disagreeable.” Not exactly featured profile material here.


Top Five Sexiest Popes in History

Fun fact: there is not even one sexy Pope in history. The Catholic Church in its wisdom has chosen only shriveled lizards to govern Christendom as a sort of visual reminder to followers of how much the Church is grossed out by human sex. Think of the Pope like those pictures of blackened lungs they put on packs of cigarettes.


Top Five Sexiest Moments of Antonin Scalia’s Supreme Court Tenure

Antonin Scalia loves nothing more than trying to titillate courtroom audiences with disturbing erotic stories about the sexual abuse of flagpoles or fantasies about forcing citizens to submit to a fertility quiz to obtain a marriage license. Despite his efforts to please, however, distributing photographs of Antonin Scalia to high school students has been proven in studies to be the only effective tool in promoting abstinence among teenagers.


Top Five Sexiest Male Sports Reporters

Here is a field with perhaps the best-known barriers to entry based on looks. Here is a list of the “20 Sexiest Sports Reporters of 2012” from leading sports blog the Bleacher Report. Not a single one is a man! No wonder guys like Bob Costas and Jim Nantz have been stuck at the bottom of the totem pole for all these years.


Top Five Sexiest Conservative Radio Jocks

This list presents the most major challenge of all of these, because everyone in the applicant pool — Michael Savage, Rush Limbaugh and Don Imus to name a few — appears to be over one hundred years old. Persons under consideration were also difficult to contact, due to the fact that they all live on another planet.

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