When stars renew vows, it’s usually a glittering rock on the path to D.I.V.O.R.C.E.
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Celebrity marriage is so much more complex than party favors and panic attacks in Vera Wang. First, there are the pre-nups, the sex tapes and the million dollar TV and magazine deals. But then what? What do you do when you’re bored of that faceless dancer you married a few years ago and you crave 1000mg of pure, unadulterated global attention? Why, renew your vows, of course!
But is it a sincere celebration of love, or a cry for help? Let’s consider the evidence…
Mariah isn’t one of those girls who just wants a quiet, private ceremony with family. She wants fireworks coming out of a liger’s ass, and goddammit she’s gonna get it. So it was no surprise that her husband Nick Cannon closed down Disneyland to renew their vows the other week. The couple celebrated five Earth years of marriage in the Sleeping Beauty castle, with Mariah dressed as Cinderella in a crystal carriage. The reception, appropriately, was in Fantasyland, where Mariah lives. It was a spectacular way of saying “It’s been a great five years, baby, but I’ve been puttin’ my Cannon in someone else.”
Current Status: Carriage about to turn into pumpkin.
Call me cynical, but if you need another ceremony after 366 days together, you may as well hire a plane and write ‘WE’RE F***ED’ across the sky. It doesn’t help that their relationship is plagued by Eddie’s spurned ex-wife, the human wasp/Real Housewife Brandi Glanville, who is furious at Eddie’s betrayal, yet also needs publicity juice. The adulterous couple recently celebrated their second anniversary with a sensible dinner in Toronto, but wait…is that arsenic soup? (Cut to reaction shot of Brandi holding an empty vial).
Current Status: Toxic
Oh dear. Heidi and Seal are the cautionary tale for vow renewal. Once seen as a rock solid celeb couple, Heidi and Seal renewed their vows approximately every ten minutes on various Caribbean islands before splitting after six years together. According to Klum, things were kinda glum. Apparently Seal had a temper that can only come from being a washed up 80s singer living in the shadow of a hot, successful wife who is always talking about finger buffets and marquees.
Current Status: D.I.V.O.R.C.E.D
Like pre-schoolers clamoring around an ice cream van, Kris and Bruce need to be noticed URGENTLY. And Kris is legendary for throwing parties for the flimsiest of reasons (who could forget the time she flew everyone to Cabo because she has two eyes, a nose and a mouth?). So it’s inevitable that the troubled pair – who are allegedly more on the rocks than Kris’ evening cocktail – would renew vows. Of course, like everything they do, the “ceremony’” created more ka-ching for the Kardashian franchise. The big question we’d like to pop is: When is Bruce going to kill her with a javelin?
Current Status: Krazy Kourt Kase Round The Korner
So it seems that vow renewal is the celeb way of saying ‘EVERYTHING IS FINE’, even when you’re both humping the pool boy – and it can only lead to disaster. Maybe one day, stars might realise that it’s OK to just get married once. Perhaps there’ll come a time when Mariah won’t need to get re-married every year by a Shaman priest on Jupiter.
But until then, let’s watch, cringe and gaze in awe at the brief, glittering wonder that is celebrity vow renewal. Because in Celebland, it’s really not true love unless you’re getting hitched by a hologram of Walt Disney on top of the Eiffel Tower.
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