Art by Daiana Feuer

Celebrity

Photo by Art by Daiana Feuer

Why Fat is the New Rich


The world of chubby celebrity endorsements is just getting bigger.



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Hollywood is all about the power of transformation and reinvention. Which is why it’s considered a smart move to blow up like an inflatable whale and then shed the pounds with a lucrative weight loss deal. Yep, getting fat and losing it is powerful, career making stuff: an easy, greasy way to repackage a tired image and get back in the game. Plus, SANDWICHES!

With our robot overlord Kris Jenner apparently chasing weight loss deals for both Rob and Kim Kardashian, everyone wants a high calorie slice of the action. So who’s clutching the waistband of some XXXXL pants and winning, who’s losing, and who wants in? Strap on that gastric band and let’s investigate the world of celebrity fat…

Jennifer Hudson

Being a big sexy bad ass was no impediment to Jennifer Hudson’s early glittering career, but since signing up as Weight Watchers spokesperson in 2010, she’s lost more than weight. After a hefty 80 lb loss, she’s now better known for her appearances in crap magazines, dribbling on about being a size whatever. Call me crazy but I can’t help thinking that Hudson should be doing something healthier with her time, like practicing self-acceptance and using her talents. To illustrate her career slide, here’s Jennifer doing a creepy as fuck duet with her former chubby self. ARRRRGH.

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Jessica Simpson

Nobody has heard a squawk from the Southern songbird in years, but thanks to her reported $4 million Weight Watchers deal – which began with a 50lb weight loss and was interrupted by two perfectly timed gigantic pregnancies – she’s now a bigger star than ever. While her deal is on hold, Simpson is literally having her cake and eating it, doing exactly what she wants, with the promise of a new campaign round the corner when the second baby is born. She’s not being subtle about it either. Giving a big fat middle finger to Weight Watchers, she spent some of her earnings on a GRILLED CHEESE station at her baby shower. You go, girl! *titsbump*

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Kirstie Alley

Fat Actress “star” Kirstie Alley is proof that weight loss deals can resurrect anyone from the ’80s career graveyard to rise again. Like a giant Phoenix who is too clinically obese to fly. Alley has made her name from her fluctuating weight: one minute she’s skinny, next she needs a winch and a tub of margarine to get through the doors of IHOP. Alley was the face of Jenny Craig and lost 75lbs, until she got fired in 2008 for weighing in at 200 pounds. So everyone’s 22nd favorite Scientologist decided to launch her own weight loss plan, the terribly named Organic Liaison. In 2012, she was sued by a customer who claimed false advertising after buying the useless products and pills that Alley was peddling on QVC. Now, according to “sources,” Jenny Craig want her back… YAWN. And the bandwagon keeps on rollin’ – to the fridge.

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Charles Barkley

Male celebrities, like Christian Bale or Matthew McConaughey, usually lose weight to prove their method acting chops. (It works differently for actresses, who have to put weight ON to play the challenging role of a normal-sized woman). But NBA legend and TNT commentator Charles Barkley has bucked the trend, fronting the Weight Watchers “Lose Like A Man” campaign. He lost nearly 100 pounds, and it was all going SO well until he announced during a live basketball game that Weight Watchers was a “scam” – not realizing his mic was on. Weight Watchers were pretty nice about it, then they put him in this ad, detailing all the different slang terms for penis.

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Rob Kardashian

It hasn’t escaped anyone’s attention that brother Rob is getting somewhat strategically fat these days. In fact, he’s starting to resemble John Belushi’s corpse. He’s also tweeting about his supposed struggle with weight loss, and has been peeped hiking and looking like he’s about to have a stroke. Meanwhile, in the background, you just know that Mommy Jenner is talking to Nutrisystem, trying to maneuver her porky son into some kind of a “career” that doesn’t involve designing shitty socks with marijuana leaves on them.

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So, let it be known – for a fading star, the attention a diet deal can generate is worth its weight in cheese puffs. And if there is enough $$$ in the pot to attract someone as relentlessly high profile as Kim Kardashian, who knows where it might lead? Just think – maybe in 2020 we’ll be getting our Herbalife powder from Justin ‘Blubber’ Beiber…

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