Finding Mr. Right (-Sized Penis)

Survival of the longest. The new dating site that guarantees a well-hung guy is just a matter of evolution, folks.

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The website is a dating site featuring men with penises over seven inches. And why not? As the blurb says: “Know upfront what you are getting so you don’t have to worry about it later. Then you can concentrate on other qualities in a man without having to wonder if he has what it takes to make you happy.”

Sure, it’s superficial but there is a strong case for such a site. To wit:

1. Large-penised men actually do require a special kind of woman. (See also: Particularly Prominent Peni, a discussion group on the problems of having a large one. Such predicaments as how to tastefully tell/warn a date about said penis, accidental penis-toilet water contact, difficulty getting decent oral sex and so forth.)

2. Many women prefer a large penis, according to Australian scientists, who are clearly itching to get beaten up by their scientific colleagues in the “6.999 inches and worse” category.

3. The venerable Kama Sutra recommends pairings with a compatible genital size, cautioning against unequal unions such as “hare male” with “elephant woman.” (Modern experts also caution against calling any woman, ever, “elephant woman.”)

The point is, this was inevitable. We already can chose cars, houses, even sperm donors online, specifying everything from a red paint job to bamboo flooring to green eyes. Mates are another thing we shop for. So, yes, this is happening. Get over it.

But here’s the thing.  When someone uses a site like 7OrBetter, they are not only picking a mate, they are also shaping the future of mankind. By going big before going home, women are also accelerating a natural evolutionary process. It turns out that human male genitals respond very quickly to evolutionary cues (as well as to hot pretend lesbians) and have evolved—likely in response to women’s preferences – to become longer and thicker than those of any other primate. (In your FACE, orangutans.) 7OrBetter really is just giving nature a little shove toward our inevitably big-penised future.

It’s a big responsibility to shape evolution with our choices and whatnot, so it’s important to be smart about this. Yes, the guys on 7OrBetter have big schlongs, and choosing one nudges the future toward a delightfully well-hung populace. But judging from the site, they also have an unfortunate penchant for dreadful innuendo like “men who have more to offer.”  The testimonials on 7OrBetter also make it quite clear that there is no positive correlation between large size and the ability to write a sentence using correct spelling and punctuation.

So in order to avoid an Idiocracy future full of big-dicked doofuses elbowing women in the ribs whenever they say anything vaguely shlong-related, up to and including, “it’s a lot to take on,” “hard to swallow” and such, women need to consider the implications of their choices.  Think wish list.

But like negotiating with a tricky genie, be smart about those wishes. How about upping the game with even more uber-specific sites? How about a site for well-hung guys who also have curly dark hair, big brown eyes, a dry wit and think nerdy chicks who like to read are the hottest thing in town? Or men like Javier Bardem in that scene in Vicky Cristina Barcelona where he suggests a tryst in Olviedo?

Think hard on this ladies. The future of humanity is in your hands.


Jill Hamilton writes In Bed With Married Women, a blog about sex. Her work has appeared in Jezebel, Rolling Stone, and the Los Angeles Times. Follow @Jill_Hamilton.

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