"Date my boy!" says a frantic Mrs. Seacrest in a full page ad for the Hollywood trades. A DAME exclusive.
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It turns out that the Princeton mum wasn’t the only one trying to get girls to see sense and date her son. DAME recently learned** of a full page ad that Ryan Seacrest’s mother almost took out in one of the major Hollywood trade publications. The ad was pulled at the last minute for reasons unknown – but a secret source leaked it to us first.
Dear Women of Hollywood,
You may know my son Ryan as “the hardest working man in show-business.” Or as the host of American Idol. Or as the head waxer for the Kardashians. But would you believe this handsome, fit, well-heeled man is recently single? I know, ladies, it’s baffling.
So take my advice and don’t miss the opportunity – now’s the time to snatch up my son!
Of course, I’m his mother, I would say that. But I do know him better than anyone. I’m the reason he got involved in show business to begin with! Ryan’s father left when he was little (hobbits are known drifters), and we became inseparable. Ryan was constantly underfoot – literally, sometimes (he was a small boy). He helped me with make-up and wardrobe in my roles at the community playhouse. It was there our mutual love for the Judys and Lizas of the world flourished (if only one of them were available and age-appropriate for my boy today!)
He’s a very sensitive boy who loves fashion. And thanks to his new line of business-casual male swimwear – available in Macy’s this summer – he also owns a $100 million empire. True, he might be lacking in the height department, but believe me, good things come in small packages. It’s always been my experience that smaller men make the most generous lovers.
Somehow, despite his sparkling resume, my Tiny Dancer hasn’t been able to find a girl that lives up to our understandably high standards. Things start off well – they pose for some photographs, travel to Ibiza. But the novelty wears off, and some women can’t accept that my boy is often too tired after a long day for any physical contact.
Let me be blunt; from the day you turn 18 your clock is ticking in this town. Your stock continues to plummet as we speak. And the absolute worst thing you can be in Hollywood, possibly the world, is an aging female. Just look at Ms. Aniston. So in order to secure yourself a perfectly-coifed husband and prevent eternal loneliness, here’s what you need to do:
Catch his eye with a Burberry trench and vintage Valentino heels.
Be engaging. His last girlfriend was very dull (though her Footloose remake wasn’t nearly as dreadful as we’d feared). Ryan often ignored her, preferring instead the company of her towhead brother. So talk about things that interest Ryan, like red carpets and boating shoes.
Be persistent! Do you think women like, say, Katie Holmes or Kelly Preston dropped off after a few discouraging dates? No! Keep at it until you’re the one wearing a white dress (with flats of course), signing an ironclad prenup and strict NDA.
And hurry up, girls! What are you waiting for? Submit your resume, headshot, proof of fertility and 10 letters of recommendation, and you could be on your way to a psychological evaluation with me (I’m also a licensed Zoloft distributor).
Maybe your marriage won’t have the fireworks you’d always dreamed of. Maybe your husband will spend most of his free time at the gym, or with his mother (we own stunning adjacent hillside chateaus). But the truth is, every marriage becomes a sexless one eventually. You’ll sleep just fine at night after swimming, Scrooge McDuck-style, in his pool full of money.
Your Future Mother-in-Law,
[** No we didn’t]
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