Bad Hollywood Trends

Girl, You’ll be a Trollop Soon

From pony club to strip club in one fell swoop – how Hollywood handles its child stars.

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The road to womanhood is paved with vomit and unwanted pregnancies, but it’s even harder if you’re in the public eye. Young starlets who approach adolescence have a tough time making the transition to adulthood – they tend to just go from pony club to strip club in one fell swoop. Just look at Vanessa Hudgens in Spring Breakers.

But it needn’t be this way. Some former child stars even become fully functioning adults. So who’s growing older gracefully and who’s clutching a teddy bear and a bottle of pills at the Macaulay Culkin Motel?

Selena Gomez


One minute you’re dancing with Barney the Dinosaur, next you’re Barney from the Simpsons, propping up the bar with your ass crack hanging out. Currently starring in Spring Breakers in nothing but a bikini, little Selena is ‘growing up’ (creepy rape culture code for ‘she looks like a ho.’). If she goes the same way as some of her peers, the next time she sees purple dinosaurs will be when she’s standing on the roof of her Mom’s house, high on bath salts.

Culkin rating – 8/10


Miley Cyrus


First, Hannah Montana rebelled with a haircut that made her look like a disgruntled volunteer at a vegan co-op. Then she got together with Liam Hemsworth, writhed around with him while wearing a unicorn head, smoked salvia, performed at an S&M club, and got a stripper for a birthday present. Let’s hope it’s a phase. Meanwhile, doctors have described Billy Ray’s current coronary condition as “achy breaky.”

Culkin rating: 6/10


Katie Holmes


Once upon a time before the Internet, we all wanted to be Katie Holmes, because she was cool and sassy and pretty AND she got to kiss James Van Der Beek. Then she rebelled by joining a cult, and we thought she was lost forever, doing awkward dances with her midget husband and giving birth in silence. Now, she’s divorced and wants to become a lawyer. If she stays away from charismatic men with glinting teeth who urge her to take a “Personality Test” she should be fine.

Culkin rating – 1/10


Drew Barrymore


If you’re an ex-child star gasping for a hit on a big grown-up crack pipe, then give Drew a call. Drew is the Nelson Mandela of child stardom, going from a tearaway teen to an International Woman of Greatness. Despite the fact she’s made some mistakes in life, like getting married to the nearest bartender in Vegas and producing the movie Beverly Hills Chihuahua, she is a director, a feminist, a mother and a survivor. She is Drew Barrymore, and we are not worthy. AND SHE KISSED E.T.

Culkin rating  – 0/10


Lindsay Lohan


Lindsay’s spectacular transition from freckle-faced Disney Darling to DUI is a work in progress, and nobody knows how it’s going to go. Will she stop private dancing for money at the Crown Prince of Bumrovia’s birthday party, go into rehab and squeeze an Oscar out? Or will she carry on raiding every minibar on earth before either dying in a mysterious boating accident or becoming a TV psychic? Lindsay – it’s over to you.

Culkin rating – 10/10


Tatyana Ali


In an interview with Huff Po, former fresh Prince of Bel Air star Tatyana Ali revealed that her favorite things were bread pudding, interpretative dancing to Tori Amos and one night stands. She also said she cries three times a day as part of her workout routine. “It really targets the core,’ she said. “Great way to reduce bloating.” And although she may be dating cheesy rapper Drake, little Ashley Banks has grown up to be one funny lady.

Culkin Rating – 2/10


Amanda Bynes


Professional pain in the derriere Amanda Bynes has gone from Nickelodeon child star to two hit and run charges, and her life – just like her car – shows no signs of slowing down. Her bizarre behaviour has included having her cheeks pierced and stripping off at an exercise class. Now she’s tweeting Drake (who is the love magnet for all ex-child stars), saying she wants him to “murder her vagina”. Her concerned family and everyone else would dearly like her to STFU and get help – preferably on a tiny uninhabited island off the coast of Madagascar.

Culkin Rating – 10/10


Demi Lovato


At the tender age of 17, Demi Lovato went on a self-harm bulimia booze bonanza and checked into rehab after punching a dancer on a Jonas Brothers tour. (I’ll just let all that sink in for a moment.) Demi – who graduated from Disney princess to teen pop singer in the time it takes other tweenies to master Mario Kart –  is a changed person. Now she’s philosophical about life, talking about “settling down” (well, she is 20) and has just finished her fourth album. However, she’s besties with Selena Gomez and apparently likes hardcore black metal, so keep that medicine cabinet LOCKED. 

Culkin rating – 5/10

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