Women's History Month

Women’s History Month Smackdown


Sure they’re all great women – but who’s the greatest? Only one way to find out…



In honor of Women’s History month aka “March”, we’ve decided to gather the biggest names, and pit them against each other in a boxing ring.

Princess Diana vs. Hillary Clinton

 

A classic showdown between an icon who has been under-appreciated and an icon who has been over-celebrated. Don’t worry we don’t know which is which either. We do know that Hillz doesn’t go down easy – just ask Monica Lewinsky. But Di is no “Princess” in the ring either.

Prediction: A washout. The two never engage in battle because they’re too busy playing to the crowd. But in a match where the ring girls will hold up “sympathy cards” instead of round-cards and the referee is Eva Perón, what do you expect?

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Anne Frank vs. Helen Keller

 

One hid in an attic where she couldn’t see anything. The other is deaf, dumb and blind, and she can’t see anything either. Frank, the hide-and-seek-champ-of-her-time, will be elusive, hard to hit. Keller “The Killer” has a great sense of smell but will have to feel her opponent out. Will Frank beat Keller senseless or will Helen leave Anne dancing in the dark?

Prediction: A draw! Frank hides under the ring leaving Keller to wander around the canvas Marco Polo-style until the final bell.

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Florence Nightingale vs. Joan of Arc

 

While Joan led men into battle, Florence devoted her life to patching them up. So this is a classic match-up of offense versus defense. The French cross-dresser has a killer right cross, and God on her side, but Florence possesses the power of healing. No machine though, not tonight.

Prediction: In a sneak attack, Joan disguises herself as a wounded young man compelling the compassionate Nightingale to lower her guard. 12th Round T.K.O.

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Eleanor Roosevelt vs. Margaret Thatcher

 

In this Heavyweight title bout the “Iron Lady” would love to deregulate the fight and make it “no holds barred”. Look for former FLOTUS, Eleanor, to use her size, strength, and closet lesbianism to scare her conservative opponent right out of the ring.

Prediction: Postponed when the Iron Lady accuses Roosevelt of using steroids. Have you see the size of that woman?

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Barbie vs. Gloria Steinem

 

In this corner, a feminist and media spokeswoman for the woman’s liberation movement. And in the other corner… everything she has been fighting against. Steinem will work the ring with intellect, self-worth, and all her real body parts. Barbie’s movements are stiff and without Ken in her corner she lacks the confidence to compete. 

Prediction: Steinem tosses a burning bra onto Barbie melting her into a puddle of plastic. Little girls in the crowd are brought to tears while grown women everywhere rejoice!

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