Art by Daiana Feuer

Funny Women

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Why Taylor Swift Needs to Become a Mean Girl

It’s in the female DNA to be Bitchy McBitch every now and then. That’s science.

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In case you didn’t know, Taylor Swift has been seething into her lavender lemonade about what she calls ‘mean girl incidents’ – namely a harmless offhand joke about her love life by high priestesses of hilarity Tina Fey and Amy Poehler at the Golden Globes.

But instead of taking it on the chin in a Don Rickles celebrity roast kind of way, she has internalised it and it’s making her squinty eyes even squintier than before. In an interview with Vanity Fair, she quoted that famous social commentator Katie Couric, who once told her: “There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”

Naturally, Tina and Amy responded with grace and wit. Amy agreeing that she is indeed bound for hell, but mostly for “boring tax stuff.

But, there’s a bigger question here. Are we all now supposed to hug each other’s tits off and swap Rainbow Brite dolls? Nobody told me. And who (apart from Couric) says we have to help each other by virtue of our gender? Some women are assholes!

Besides, hell feels a bit harsh, considering none of us has a clean record when it comes to being nice and supportive to other women. We all have our off days. Even Katie, I’m sure, has been known to bitch at an intern, make a waitress cry or flay the skin off the cleaner with a high-pitched scream.

Now, I’m no scientist, but in my experience, it’s part of our DNA to be a Bitchy McBitch every now and again. You just have to do it RESPONSIBLY, like drinking. (In fact, drinking and bitching are a wonderful combination).

It starts when we’re little. Some girls are born mean, and even the ones who aren’t must learn to be mean to survive. As a mother of a 5 year old boy, I’ve observed that boys just hit each other in the face and forget about it. Girls, however, wage complex Machiavellian wars based on shoe color and Moshi Monster ownership. Everything is scrutinized, discussed and chewed over. And it was ever thus, since the beginning of time.

Some of us grow into cool, well-rounded people who only bitch in private or when trying to get a laugh from George Clooney. Let’s call these people “Amy and Tina.” Others stay in the playground and whine and send other women to hell for making harmless jokes. Let’s call them ‘Taylors.”

Anyway, last I heard women were people, and sometimes people suck. That’s why I always treat Tinas and Amys with respect, and boring whiny Taylors with the bitchy unfocused venom they deserve.

Pity poor Taylor, though. She’s just trying to navigate the swamp of celebrity without contracting a drug habit or a disease. It might be time to stop being nice and “helpful” all the time, though. We know she can savage an ex-boyfriend quite handily — why doesn’t she spread that talent around? Have some bitchy fun, spice things up a bit. After all, if Tina and Amy are Mean Girls, then Mean Girls rock.

Besides, if she’s going to set the bar so high in her respectful dealings with other women, then she’d better follow it through. So Taylor, if you care so much about other women, help a sister out – I lost my job in the recession and I’m living on rainwater and packing pellets. I’d love to show you my stress-induced abscess sometime, it’s HUGE. A check or a money order is fine, let me give you the address.

Hey, where are you going?





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