‘Tis the season for celebrity rubbish.
Dec 14th: Two Bitches Brawling
The Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj catfight escalated when Mariah wore a festive gown for American Idol rehearsals while Minaj showed up late in slippers. “Upstaged!” screamed the tabloids.
Mariah sucked up the attention through her diva gills, while Nicki went off to beat a Mariah-shaped piñata to the tune of “All I Want For Christmas.”
Dec 15th: A Million Lawyers Laughing
Deadmau5 and Kat Von D dated for a few months and broke up in November, with Kat taking to Twitter to say: “it was a no-brainer to break that off.” Now he’s proposed to her – on Twitter – and she said OMG LOL YES. So where’s the wedding @? Flickr? MYSPACE? #divorce #imminent #photosoritdidnthappen
Dec 16th: One Massive Tool
Since it’s the season of goodwill, talking anus Chris Brown has decided to be charming. Ha! Not really. Evidently “h8ers” called him skinny, and he responded by saying: “half y’all bitches are fat as fuck.” Pure poetry. I’m reminded of Oscar Wilde’s famous line: “Yo momma so fat, she got baptized at Sea World.”
Dec 17th: Ten Teenage Jewish Boys Screaming
This Christmas, think of the less fortunate – like Lindsay Lohan. A talent agency claiming to represent her sent an email advertising her “services” for weddings and bar mitzvahs. Her people denied it. (Charlie Sheen better write some more checks before she jumps out of a cake and grabs someone’s balls.)
Dec 18th: Several Rednecks Humping
Why not gather the family around a roaring fire and watch some good old fashioned hillbilly porn? In the wake of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” redneck porn is hot. So even if you’re 286 pounds and have three teeth, you could be a star. What are the bonus DVD extras? Old food hidden in a fat fold? SHUDDER.
Dec 19th: Twelve Kardashians Posing
The Kardashian Klan rocked a K-K-K-razy look for their official Khristmas Kard. All dressed in white, they posed as if to say, “We Are Your Overlords Now.” Some say the card is also the grand unveiling of 17 year old Kendall Kardashian, the next talent-free klone. Watch out for her in 2013, being inexplicably lauded for wearing a dress.
Dec 20th: Ten thousand photos of Jessica Simpson hiding her stomach
Jessica Simpson’s all about the miracle of birth. She’s lining them up like someone hit “Multiball” on a pinball machine, but she won’t confirm and has been holding her bag strategically over her belly. Naturally, the gossip mags are going baby bump crazy. It begs the question: was the Virgin Mary pregnant or just fat?
Dec 21st: A billion hits on YouTube
It wasn’t just the Mayans who predicted doomsday on 12.21.12. Nostradamus said it would happen Gangnam Style: “From the calm morning, the end will come… When of the dancing horse the number of circles will be 9.” According to apocalypse fans North Korea translated means “Land of the Morning Calm.” Dancing horses is the Gangnam dance. And Gangnam Style is nearing one billion hits on YouTube, explaining the 9 circles. We’re all still alive? Whatevs.
Dec 22nd – One Vander Pumping
America’s next big star will be restaurateur Lisa Vanderpump from Housewives of Beverly Hills. Keep saying it. Vanderpump. Vanderpump. V-A-N-D-E-R-P-U-M-P. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.
Dec 23th: Three Narcissistic Idiots
Just in time for ‘Chris’mas, Riri has finally realized she is the third wheel on Team Breezy’s sex wagon. Seems he never actually broke up with Karrueche Tran and all that nudie red wine quaffing came to nought. Oh Riri. As they say in Barbados: When yuh keep company wid fowls and dey shit pon yuh table, it is hell to get out de stain.’
24th December: Two Lovely Lovebirds
Did you hear? Taylor Swift and Harry Styles are in love. We know this because “Haylor” have been unconvincingly smooching everywhere. She even held his hand when he got a tattoo and introduced him to her parents. In fact, if you look out the window right now, you will probably see them “sneaking” out of a hotel room. They’re honestly a real couple, like Doris Day and Rock Hudson.
25th December: And a Spoilt Brat in a Big House
If you worry that Suri Cruise just doesn’t get enough stuff, put your concerns aside this Christmas. Katie has bought her $50,000 worth of presents, including a gold pony and a unicorn horn. Tom may also have bought her a $13 million house. Awwww, she’s going to grow up to be perfectly well adjusted…
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