Dear Santa, please send me a Ryan Gosling Shake Weight.
I don’t want some fat man in a red suit climbing down my chimney this Christmas. I want Ryan Gosling. I want him in my chimney and everywhere else – on the kitchen counter, in the car, in my slippers.
I want him to do the laundry and then to do me.
But given that’s probably not going to happen, the next best thing is Ryan Gosling merchandise.
Remember the Ryan Gosling chair? We need more where that came from. Don’t get me wrong: I enjoy sitting on Gosling’s face as much as the next girl, but it’s time for some variety.
So I’ve taken the liberty of conjuring up some more Ryan Gosling treats. If there are any manufacturers out there who want to jump on these ideas, go ahead. Your first customer is right here.
Scent Of A Gosling Wallpaper
The aphrodisiac properties of Ryan Gosling’s bodyscent are well known. So why not bottle it? Available in scratch-and-sniff or unscented, this wallpaper releases hormones that increase female orgasm both in power and frequency.
Crazy Sexy Love Apron For Him
Just because you’re not dating Ryan Gosling doesn’t mean you can’t pretend. Tell your man to wear this apron next time he’s in the kitchen. Tell him that he can go by the name of Ryan tonight. In fact, let’s open a bottle of wine.
The Revolving Color Changing Night Light
Watch as Gosling’s chiseled frosted glass body revolves slowly, his pecs changing colors as the porcelain clamshell casts a rainbow of his silhouette in the room. Ryan, is that you?
Gosling Sugar Scrub
Take Gosling into the shower. Get clean and dirty at the same time. As you rub him all over your body, a wave of orgasms tickles through you. Even your elbows will climax. Your skin – and your heart – gets softer with repeated use.
Gosling Shake Weight
All the fun of foreplay without the mess. Simply take the shaft in your hands, squeeze and set your resistance level. “Drive” is rough, fast, and noisy. “Notebook” takes longer but climaxes in the rain. If your arms (and loins) aren’t on fire after six minutes, hit the megathrusters and brace yourself.
Ryan GPS – the Gosling Positioning System
Why listen to that cold British lady telling you to “turn left” when you can have Ryan direct you instead? He pays you compliments. “Nice curves, baby.” “Ooh, put me in third.” And if you’re lost, his hologram appears beside you, the windows fog up and all your troubles melt away.
Gosling Dyson Vacuum
It does the housework for you without having to be asked. It senses the aggregation of dust on the floor using high tech sensors and gets to work while you relax in the bathtub. And when it’s done, it comes and gives you a backrub and listens to you talk.
Gosling Body Massage Chair
Forget the husband pillow. Sink back into Ryan Gosling’s arms instead and feel those rippling muscles’ embrace. Occasionally a puff of air will graze the back of your neck, simulating his gentle breath. It’s not creepy once you try it.
Ultimate Fantasy Deluxe Hotel Package
The box simply contains a key to a hotel suite. Upon arrival, you’re greeted with champagne, a silver tray of chocolate covered strawberries, a soft bathrobe, slippers, a bubble bath that never turns cold, lingerie…and Ryan Gosling. Really.
It’s not just about the stories. Journalism is also about who is telling them.
Become a member at DAME today to help us support our independent, fearless reporting so we can continue to shine a light on the stories that need to be told, from perspectives that aren’t heard enough. Every dollar we receive from readers goes directly into funding our journalism. Become a supporter today.
AN INDEPENDENT FREE PRESS HAS
NEVER BEEN MORE IMPORTANT.
Your financial support helps us continue to cover the policies, social issues, and cultural trends that matter, bringing the diversity of thought so needed in these times.