We already have pens, razors and tool kits for women. But why stop there?
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Office supply manufacturer Bic recently introduced a ballpoint pen made “Just for Her.” You can tell it’s not for boys because of the pastel colors and a thinner barrel offering “better handling for women.”
Almost instantly it set off a wave of hilarious Amazon reviews, followed by stories about the hilarious reviews on ABC, NBC, the Washington Post and everyone else. And why not? This is big news. Finally, a pen to fit our more delicate fingers and lifestyle, perfect for doodling hearts in journals and writing poetry about moon cycles. It turns out that regular pens are just another tool of the oppressor. Perhaps the tool. After all, you can’t spell “penis” without “pen.”
But Bic is only the latest company to create a version of a product just for women. Gillette released its first “women’s” razor in 1915, which was the same as the men’s razor but with a pink handle. And today women have their pick of everything from dainty tool kits to lady-like pink handguns.
This, however, is just the beginning. There are endless possibilities for products made just for women, and you know women will buy them, because we just love to shop. So husbands, listen up – you’d best hide your credit cards!
Maps for Women
Most women never learn how to read a map, but do you think you can rely on a man to ask for directions? Puh-lease! These maps are made just for your spatially-challenged brain. Instead of confusing coordinates, they help you navigate via places of interest, like shopping malls and nail salons, and they’ll also warn you about road hazards (like parallel parking spots) so you won’t be late to brunch. (OK, you’ll be a little late, because you’re just a girl, but no later than usual!)
TV Remotes for Women
Tired of fighting hubby for the remote control? Now you can have one all your own! The She-mote eliminates the channels you don’t need (sports, CNN) and focuses on what you really want: reruns of Law & Order SVU. Plus, the She-mote is pre-programmed to know when it’s your time of the month, so it can take you directly to Lifetime for a Meredith Baxter Birney made-for-TV marathon.
Chairs for Women
Let’s face it. Women’s bodies are just different. This special ladies’ chair widens out to accommodate broad hips, offering comfort during long hours at your secretary job. The non-backed seat allows your long skirt to flow around it, so you can sit demurely in the only appropriate way for a lady: sidesaddle. A built-in funnel catches your menstrual flow so you can avoid deflowering yourself with that modern abomination, the tampon.
Football for Women
Watching football with your man would be a lot more fun if it was something you actually enjoyed – like a shoe sale! What if the players were actually you and your friends and the ball was a pair of cute boots? Sprint to the end zone, and score the last pair in your size! No touchdowns here – just touchups! Of your makeup!
Digital Cameras for Women
The intuitive Cam-her-a takes only flattering photos of you, automatically erasing shots where you’re doing that duck-face thing or your armpits look weird. Physical flaws are instantly Photoshopped: slimming arms, erasing under-eye circles, plumping lips and raising cheekbones. If the camera needs to widen the rest of the group to make you appear thinnest, so be it; the other girls can get their own!
Numbers for Women
Wouldn’t math be easier if numbers were shapes instead? We think so, too! Here at Females Enhancing Math (FEM), we’ve replaced numbers with shapes that appeal to women’s sensibilities: martini glasses, Dove chocolates, cats, stiletto heels. What’s Dove Chocolate times Stiletto Heel? I don’t know, but it sure sounds delicious!
Scotch for Women
Scotch has never been popular among women – until now. This new distilling technique uses grapes from France or California, comes in red and white varietals and is the perfect pairing for chocolate or cheese plates. Women will love serving the Chardonnay-flavored Scotch to their book club!
Omaha Steaks for Women
These delicious high-protein, low-carb frozen steaks come in one cooking option: extremely well-done. We know how squeamish women are about rare meat! They’re sized in 300-calorie portions, perfect for delicate bird-like appetites, and they come conveniently pre-cut so you can nibble daintily without ruining your lipstick.
Sons of Anarchy for Women
Instead of a violent motorcycle gang, this show’s about a group of husbands and fathers learning how to be more emotionally available for their families. Between cooking classes and restorative yoga, they engage in healthy male bonding over Nicholas Sparks novels. Plus there’s a sassy gay who launches fashion barbs at celebrities!
Meth for Women
A drug that curbs your appetite AND increases your metabolism? Dream come true! It’ll make you want to hop on the elliptical machine and exercise until your teeth fall out. Move over Walter White, because this special formula comes in PINK. Are there spiders under your skin? Who cares, you look sooo skinny!
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