The Painful Evolution of The Man Purse

Is it a man bag or a murse?

By David Smith
Published: Dec 01, 2007

PAST

I remember my first Man Purse sighting much the same way I recall the first girl who went down on me—not nearly as painful, but damned close. The year was 1976. The place: my tennis club. The guy, known as “Gene” from here on out - sported a comb-over that traversed his dome, from sideburn to sideburn. Gold necklace? Check. Pinkie ring? What do you think? Gene wore satiny Adidas sweatpants in lime green, a cream Sergio Tacchini collared-shirt and the pre-Members Only, Members Only jacket in silver nylon that said Carrera down each arm, even though he drove a Fiat.

Gene ordered Dover Sole, dug Lancers wine and stocked his freezer with Häagen Dazs Rum Raisin. He subscribed to Oui Magazine and would sometimes wear a WWII fighter-pilot cap and goggles while driving his “fix it again, Tony," Fiat.

Man Purse of Choice: Pierre Cardin. By the way, are there dental records that prove this man ever lived? Because I’m starting to think he’s an invention of some failed designer who read the writing on the wall that said, “the future is outlet shopping.”

Man Purse Contents: credit cards, gold tennis bracelet, silver tooter and blow, Benson & Hedges Gold 100’s - soft pack, a Ramses lambskin condom, Binaca and beard scissors.

PRESENT

As time passed and styles and names changed, the small, wrist-swinging Man Purses of my yesteryear, regrettably, gave way to the larger and only slightly less feminine Man Bags (as documented on “Seinfeld” and “Friends”) on display today. These Man-Baggers think Barney is a purple dinosaur and wardrobe themselves almost entirely in REI and Columbia “active wear” as if they were survivalists, but drive a half-mile each morning to Starbuck’s.

To shun the feminine look of Man Purses past, modern Man Bags are rarely, if ever, leather and are mostly 500-denier nylon, so they’ll survive your Aconcagua trek long after you’ve been airlifted home. A unique feature of this group of Man Bags is that they can often be transformed into fanny packs. You know who you are.

Man Bag of Choice: Eagle Creek, Columbia, REI, Overland.

Man Bag Contents: passport photocopy, 2 Clif bars, 1 drinkable energy goo, leatherman tool, old bus transfer stub, spare Teva sandal strap, ponytail scrunchies, Subaru keys and a freshly purchased copy of The Dharma Bums.

THE FUTURE?

A metrosexual associate of mine who conducts regular business in Tokyo assures me that the Man Bag, now referred to as the “Murse,” is white hot yet again. Good times, indeed. He insists that the Japanese, style mavens that they are, continue to remain two to three years ahead of American fashion. You may be thinking wait, I see those Puma Murses around right now. The point is that regardless of what Ludacris totes his blunts around in, the Murse is coming back in full force. And it’s not your brother’s or uncle’s version. It’s a Murse on HGH. The new breeds are high-end designer products and cost a small fortune. Typically larger in size and created without any concern of appearing feminine, they often require the deaths of up to three animals.

Murse of Choice: Gucci, Prada, Louis Vuitton

Murse Contents: 3rd generation iPhone, portable karaoke rig, a stuffed animal keychain, Marlboro Lights – hard pack, 3 bootleg DVDs of action films presently in the theater, Kleenex and a bag of dried shrimp.
coach man purse

My research has exhausted me and left me disillusioned and thirsty. I can only hope that the Man Purse > Man Bag > Murse evolution goes the way of the Tamagotchi Chicken Egg, wide socks and the Mighty Morphin' Power Ranger. But, between you and me, I kind of miss Gene.

Dave Smith, bred and spread in Santa Monica, California, spent two of the coldest years on record in the Bronx teaching surgeons how to perform robotically-assisted laparoscopy. After 350 procedures, he swore off gastric bypasses forever, tossed his sweater collection in a dumpster and returned to his beloved West Coast. “The West is the best, Baby.” He can often be found searching LA in vain for good Chinese food or at home on the phone with Dell customer service.

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