The Gender Bend: Our Cheating Hearts

An infidelity battle of the sexes by Erin Flaherty


Well gosh, boys, you should never have let us go to the workforce! See what happens!? We just can’t be trusted!

More recently, Dr. Cassandra George Sturges, a psychologist and advice columnist for Today’s Black Woman magazine, came to another conclusion. “All research studies that I have ever read state that men cheat more than women in committed relationships. The major flaw with these studies is the assumption that men and women both define cheating in the same manner,” she says. “Most of the studies are conducted by men and women educated and socialized to recognize male infidelity patterns. Every woman I know, including myself, has been sexually unfaithful while being in a committed long-term relationship, however none us defined our behavior as ‘cheating.’ Until recently, I too believed that men are more likely to cheat and be sexually unfaithful in a monogamous relationship, until I had an epiphany that men and women define cheating differently.”

Now I’m not sure I totally agree with Sturges. I mean sure, men and women often have— how shall we say this delicately—differing communication styles. But I think we can all basically agree on what it means to cheat.

Personally, I think women do tend to be a bit sneakier, and more low-key about the whole thing. Not because of any biological theory or any left-field explanation but due to the more obvious: Because female cheaters are stigmatized, whereas many men are socially rewarded for infidelity in some backhanded ways. I know that I’ve actually heard both women and men refer to Spitzer as a “stud” ever since his undercover sex life got blown wide open. You can hardly imagine the same happening if it was a female politician whose prostitute habit was exposed.

Even Hollywood, that ever astute mirror of American society, seems to have internalized this. There must be thousands of movies involving chuckle worthy male dalliances (boys will be boys after all!), but remember what a scandal Unfaithful caused when it came out?

Maybe that’s why some of us may actually feel grateful to all the guys going around, slipping up, getting caught, while we quietly go about our own business, which may or may not include a little indiscretion here and there. Still, I think men and women can agree on one thing when it comes to cheating: Unless you’re some kind of a sociopath, infidelity is rarely for sport. And conflicting statistics aside, one thing all the experts agree on is that an ounce of prevention—in the form of communication—goes a long way.

 

Erin Flaherty has written and edited for Jane, Allure, Elle, Marie Claire, Details, Men's Fitness, In Design, New Mexico Magazine and Ladies' Home Journal, in addition to making television and radio appearances on VH1, E!, Full Frontal Fashion, Martha Stewart Living Radio and a variety of local and national news programs. She firmly believes that women should refer to one another as "sisters" and never as "sluts," unless they insist on the latter moniker. 

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