What Does That Even Mean?

No one likes to spout the clichés. It’s time to get better in tune with what you’re really saying. by Emily Gordon


“Listen, you know I have trust issues.” Let’s face it—most of you have not only been the recipient of such a cliché, you have probably inflicted it at least once. The language of love is riddled with vague phrases like, “I just need some space.” If you are on the receiving end of one of the lines below, here’s some help deciphering what might be going on in your significant other’s head. However, if you’ve found yourself saying any of the iconic phrases below, it’s time to crack your own code, figure out what you want, and tell it like it is. Because, seriously, how much easier would relationships be if we were all straight shooters?


“I have trust issues”
This is the most honest, overused, and painful to decipher cliché. It implies that trusting is hard for you because you have put your trust in someone in the past and been hurt by it. How do you move on and figure out if the new person in your life is trustworthy? Tease a little information their way and see what they do with it. In school, when your teachers wanted to teach you about responsibility, they didn’t give you a puppy to care for—they gave you an egg. If you give a person you barely know a large amount of trust too quickly, don’t be surprised when they are as careless with it as you were with little Eggbert.

Start small. Say you’re on a first date, and over dinner you tell him something fairly intimate, perhaps an embarrassing childhood story. What does he do with it? Is he considerate of the small glimpse into who you are? If so, continue, and slowly give more. If you sense he isn’t all that respectful of something small, then you have learned something about him. Your trust is a reward to be earned, not a door prize. Give it slowly and you might be able to nix “the trust issue” issue altogether.

“It’s not you, it’s me”
This sentence should go down in history as the all time greatest relationship cop out.  Used most often during a breakup, it’s the dumper’s feeble attempt to avoid hurting the dumpee. Usually, it doesn’t work, because it is usually them (or at least your total disdain for them).  But there are the rare times when it isn’t actually a cop out and it really is you. Even if there is no evidence that the person would be anything other than wonderful to you, you still just can’t. Perhaps you are pursuing other things in your life besides relationships, or perhaps the idea of being in a relationship leaves you exposed and scared.

The honesty in this phrase is that it really does come down to how you feel about yourself. Entering a relationship makes you vulnerable and forces you to ponder how satisfied you are with yourself, without your best defenses up and running. If you are afraid that someone will see you from your own perspective, you’ve got some work to do on your impression of yourself. Increasing your self-esteem is too huge a goal to be remedied here, but at the most basic level, you need to believe that you are a good person. If that’s something you need help on, seek out a therapist. Psychologytoday.com’s “Find a Therapist” is like a MySpace for them, where you can find a good match based on location and philosophy.


“Where is this going?”
There is generally one person in any relationship that lives in the now, and one person who lives with an eye on the future. Both are ok and asking this question isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Asking it on a second date, however, definitely is. In my experience, it generally means you are searching for some control in the relationship. I’ll illustrate with a proverb: There once was a girl who had a cat, and she was so terrified it would run away that she locked it in a closet for weeks. One day her mom opened the closet door, and sure enough, the cat ran away.

In other words, if you spend your time acting as if the worst will happen, often you end up creating the thing you fear. Don’t be so afraid to lose a man in the future that you end up losing him in the present. You can’t control what anyone else will do. All you can control are your own actions and your reactions to others. Letting someone else have some part in your happiness is scary, but try to dive in with open eyes and an open heart. Where it is going is not as important as where it is right now.


“I would have the perfect boyfriend if I could put _____, _____, and _____ together.”
A lot of women fantasize about stitching together a Frankenmate out of pieces of several men in their lives. But, unfortunately, that’s just not how it works. If you find yourself saying this to friends, or even thinking it, it’s time to write out an objective list of the things you require in a mate. Be honest with yourself, then divide that list into “musts” and “negotiables.” This list should be your ten commandments. How many must-haves is the person you’re dating fulfilling? How many negotiables? If he’s missing a chunk of the must-have list, that’s a big sign that it’s time to move on. That dream Frankenguy may not be possible, but you can at least work towards finding the closest thing to it. 


Hopefully this has given you a starting point to understanding how we all arm ourselves on the battlefield that is love.  Good luck cracking the code. And I’ll send you my bill. 

 

 

Emily Gordon is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor who specializes in couples and family issues.  She is a recent transplant to Brooklyn, and has been published in both Jane and Bust magazines for writing that attempts to exist in the intersection between confessional and professional.  In her spare time, she produces stand up comedy and practices 60s dance moves.
 

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