Separation Nation

Sure separated men can commit…but is the commitment to their (ex)-wives? by M.K. Apruzzese


Bachelor number two looked, felt and acted divorced. “I have been separated for more than two years,” he told me, when I hesitated to get involved. “I am practically divorced.” It seemed to him there was no difference at all between the two states. Except when it came to talking about our future. Then all of the sudden he was separated for “only” two years. “I’m not even divorced yet!” he reasoned. Oh yeah? Well that’s not what you put on your Match.com profile, Bub.

Lucky for me, Bachelor number three came with about three drinks in him. So, when the truth came out with the fourth, I replied, “Thanks for the drinks,” and ducked out of the bar.

So, why aren’t these men moving forward? My friend, Mike, a 49-year-old divorceé who once juggled a full-time relationship with a part-time family and ex, shares his view. “I don’t think most men think there is a difference between being separated and divorced…at first,” he explains. “When I moved out, I felt that I was eligible for the benefits of dating. However, I wasn’t able to offer my true self yet to someone else.”

“But,” he adds. And this is a big but. “I didn’t realize it until after I was divorced.”

Bingo. My bachelor number three (the drunk one) is still in the dark that there is a difference between being separated and divorced—five years later.

So, why won’t these guys step up to the plate and make it final? The excuses are wide and varied:

“My wife is under my health insurance plan.”

“We are working out the financial stuff.”

“I need to find a new lawyer.”

And, my personal favorite, mainly because it’s an attempt at being honest, “I’ve just been lazy about it.”

With all this in mind, there are times when you just can’t resist the charms of a separated man. If you find yourself in a seductive situation, it’s okay, just remember to tread lightly. And keep your options open—after all, he is. Make sure you are still doing what you want to do, with or without him—go out with your friends and stick with that sailing class.

And while it might be tempting to keep asking when his divorce will be final, my friend Suzi warns against doing it too often. “Otherwise you become too much a part of his past life, instead of his future,” she says. “The key is to separate yourself from the stress of his divorce.”

You also need to know when to cut your losses. “I hate to say it,” says Mike, “but if the man you are dating is dragging out the divorce, and you want a commitment, it’s time to get out.”

Or you can take the supportive approach, and help him embrace his separation anxiety by throwing him a party. My recently-separated friend Ali is a big fan of this idea. “Because if you think about it,” Ali says, “that’s when you need new stuff.”

It’s also a way to meet new, aka available, men. But just in case, you might want to have T-shirts made up that say, “Call me when your divorce is final.”

 

 

M.K. Apruzzese resides in Santa Monica, CA with her two cats, three laptops, Blackberry and two mobile phones, each which have unlimited text messaging rate plans.

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