Toning My Vagina: the Kegelmaster Diaries

After peeing her bed, Susanna felt that her kitty needed tightening. Here's what happened. by Susanna Brisk


Sure, since I’ve had kids, I pee involuntarily now and again. It mostly happens when I sneeze, cough or hear a great Bush joke. And, naturally, I blame my children. Apparently childbirth, even by C-section, can weaken the pubococcygeal (PC) muscle thereby causing general incontinence, both bladder and bowel, and decreased sexual function. And though I’ve been in denial about the whole thing for months now, busy toilet training my toddler and myself at the same time, last week something snapped. I peed my bed for what I promised myself would be the last time. I went online determined to do something about it. An hour or so later, I had ordered myself the “Kegelmaster.”


kegelmasterNamed after Dr. Arnold Kegel in 1948, the Kegelmaster is approximately $100 of plastic and metal, a gizmo about 8.25 inches long that purports to tone the vaginal muscles (but only 3 inches gets inserted for exercise). It was Dr. Kegel who recommended that women practice the rhythmic squeezing of their pelvic floor muscles both before and after pregnancy. Apparently it maintains vaginal tone, which decreases with age (ask any old guy who just left his wife for a nineteen year old). Then in 1997, a certain gym rat called H. David Wallack developed The Kegelmaster to help his wife who was suffering from incontinence. According to its blurb, Kegels don’t work without something inside your “velvet highway” that provides progressive resistance, just like any piece of exercise equipment.

“Many women go to the gym, but they neglect to tone their vaginal muscles,” says Sandy Allen, who runs www.Kegelmaster2000.com out of Sarasota, Florida, the “original official” Kegelmaster website. Apparently on a one-woman quest to tone our national vagina, Sandy has filled her site with testimonials from people who claim their lives were all but saved by the device - extraordinary stories about women who, within a week of using it, dodged a life in diapers, experiencing a tightening of 50%. Quite how you can measure a 50% tighter vagina, I’m not sure. Where do they get the volunteers? Do they use a placebo control group? How? To date, the Kegelmaster has never been subjected to any clinical trials.  

“I don’t know why male gynecologists don’t recommend it when they know it works,” Sandy marvels. She reckons it’s because it doesn’t involve drugs or surgery. Surely those ObGyns would recommend it to their wives if they thought it would make their vaginas tighter and more supple (I’m paraphrasing)? This alone would be worth $98.95. But beware of cheap imitations, says Sandy. Some manufacturers are selling all kinds of devices under the Kegel umbrella, which may be fun diversions, but don’t accomplish miracle kitty reduction (again, paraphrasing).

There are erotic benefits to the Kegelmaster 2000 too, of course. It says on Sandy’s website that the device increases pleasure, sensitivity and blood flow to the area and women are encouraged to explore their vaginas because apparently “masturbating is not filthy but natural.” And there I was thinking it was filthy and natural. According to Sandy’s statistics, 90% of women masturbate (married or unmarried) and using this device will help them achieve stronger multiple orgasms. Yup, you heard me right. So let’s overnight that puppy over here and get squeezing…

Next month, Brisk’s Kegelmaster trials begin.

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