Free Financial: Money Mating

You can't buy love, but with proper financial planning you can spend smartly and make it stronger

By Kelly Alexander, CRPS® CFP™
Published: Dec 01, 2007

“Watch your manners, your tongue and your temper. This is wonderful training for a later, longer partnership.” – Anita Colby, 1952

As a fanatical collector of vintage etiquette and home economics books, I found this gem in Anita Colby’s advice to prep school girls with roommates, in the chapter “Be A Good Girl” of her Beauty Book.

Only women without vocal chords – Barbie, for example – would and could heed this advice when living with someone – anyone – especially her man.

When a dame and her man share the same roof, he’s not just your man, and he’s definitely not just your soul mate. He’s now your roommate. And whether the last roommate you had was last year or in your college dorm, you probably know that sharing a space turns topics previously unrelated to your relationship into daily drama: leaving dirty dishes in the sink, giving up valuable real estate in the closet, and paying the bills.

On a pleasure scale, household money management ranks up there with an IRS audit. It also plays a major role in your live-in romantic relationship. This goes way beyond splitting the mortgage and going halvsies on utilities. It forces you to build a strong and healthy fiscal future together, and also to face important questions such as: What will you do and how will you protect yourself (at least financially) if things don’t work out? Here are some tips to make the process a little easier (and maybe even a little more fun).

1. Have a money summit.

Money usually means different things to different people. Depending on your outlook, it could buy freedom, security and retirement at age 50. It could also buy glitz, glamour, a new identity or the ‘it’ Marc Jacobs bag, today. Most couples have conflicting ideas about spending, saving, budgeting, investing and keeping financial records.

*Tell him what is important to you and listen when he tells you what’s important to him.
*Discuss what money means to each of you.
*Discuss your attitudes about saving and spending.
*Discuss your individual spending styles and differences.
*Be clear about your priorities.
Who is the spender? Who is the saver?
What are your views on credit and debt?
What is important to you?
What drives you crazy?
How do you like to spend money – mortgage/rent, furniture, cars, exotic travel, home improvement, clothes/shoes, dining out or techno gadgets? Squeamish about spending $5,000 on a television? This is the time to say so.

2. Set spending limits for shared expenses.

For example, you may decide to consult each other for items that cost over $200. You may also decide to cap things like eating out.

3. Build an emergency fund.

4. Pay off your debt.

Many couples successfully talk their way through their conflicting ideas and financial priorities to land on common ground. Keep working to understand each other and to meet halfway. Knowing family histories, values, motivations and dreams should help everyone be more patient and understanding when it comes to the battle of the bills.

Use your brain, heart and vocal chords well. Once you’re aware of each other’s needs and sensitivities, vow to accept and respect them even if you question
the logic. If you can eliminate or substantially reduce money dilemmas, you’ve gotten rid of one of the leading causes of couple combustions.

Kelly Alexander, a Certified Financial Planner, Chartered Retirement Plan Counselor and Chartered Retirement Plan Specialist has helped individuals, families, women and businesses with their retirement planning for almost 20 years. The retirement geek, who loves and collects kitschy Americana manufactured between the great depression and 1967, firmly believes in the power of mascara and naps and has not owned a television since 1984.

Browse All Features >