So When Are You Going To Find a Nice Man and Settle Down?

Spouseless, but not alone

By Marla G. Vender
Published: Dec 01, 2007

It has been said that, perhaps for the first time ever, more American women are living without a husband than with. Whether it be by choice, divorce or widowhood, the 2005 Census Bureau reported 51% of women answered they were living without a spouse.

People are, by nature, rude and inconsiderate. This is, of course, a generalization, and because you are smart, and understand this, no elaboration on this point needs be made. People are generally not very sensitive about the feelings of others and feel compelled to poke and prod in places that are private and tender. Like, that place where many a Dame has dwelled at some point in her rich and full life – the land of the unmarried woman.

Beth endured years of "why aren't you married" questions before she met and wed the love of her life at 40. Two months after their honeymoon, on the night they were going to try and conceive, Brian was dead on the bedroom floor from an aneurysm. "Imagine how I feel when someone asks why I'm not married. It's all I can do not to lunge at their throat. Obviously, they don't know my story, yet I cannot forgive such blatant ignorance. My way of coping is to answer with blunt honesty, and watch the person's face freeze or crumble. It's almost soothing to watch them try to pry their foot out of their fat mouth. Typically, they try and smooth things over by reassuring me I'll find someone again, or my favorite, they'll say, ‘there's lots of fish in the sea.’ I don't need fish, and I'm not looking for another husband. I'm comfortable with taking things as they come. If the person asking is elderly, I just ask if they have a cute grandson they can fix me up with.”

Barbara is a lesbian with two teenage boys. "When people ask me about my children's father, they assume, because I'm African American, that they don't have the same one, and each man was just a baby daddy. I have spent years being defensive, and bitter, and it's not fun. My children's father, yes they have the same one, died when the boys were about eight years old. We were happy together. I have always found women intriguing, and at this time in my life it's a woman who has become my soul mate. I'm not married because same sex marriage is not legal in our state!”

Sharon recalls her late twenties as a serial monogamist with a shiver. Man after unsuitable man joined her for family weddings, holidays, and other big events so she could give the appearance of being on the road to marriage. “I was miserable. The men I chose were, on the surface, very appropriate choices. They were attractive, personable, and had careers. What they didn’t have was what I really wanted, and my self-esteem and self-respect were constantly being compromised. Although I felt desperate on the inside, I believe that I gave the impression of a secure, happy woman who was desirable and could keep a man. In retrospect it wasn’t worth it and was truly a sign of my own insecurity, and immaturity and a failure to keep my integrity.”

Now happily married for more than 10 years, Sharon recalls the moment everything changed for her. “I admitted that I was desperate for companionship and that I felt ashamed for wanting it. I also admitted that I was more concerned about others perceptions of ‘single’ women than about what felt good and right for me.”

Tune in The Bachelor. Many “hot” women vying (clawing) for the attention of a “gentleman” of good looks, sometimes pedigree, and by the American viewer’s esteem, desirable. What message does this show give off? That women will do whatever it takes to get a ring, and they’ll do it in the shortest time possible, under scrutiny and without shame. Why? Because there is a widely held belief in our society that to be female and single after a certain age, is to be flawed and less worthy. Something is wrong with her, (and it’s so much fun to watch).