Starter Marriages

Relationships don't need work. They need replacing.

By Jeannie Long
Published: Dec 01, 2007

"Life's short. Get a divorce." That’s what a law firm’s billboard advertised in Chicago. Days later, neighbors and other lawyers in the City of Chicago ordered that the billboard be pulled down due to complaints. Neighbors took issue with the morality and the lawyers? Well, they didn’t want to be portrayed in a bad light, or at least not a worse one.

But, life is short. As my weekly call to my grandmother reminds me: why don’t I have a boyfriend? After my myriad excuses ensue, winners like, “All the guys in LA are gay” to “I just haven’t met the right guy,” inevitably the conversation ends with the advice, “Life’s short. Don’t rush into a relationship just to be in one.”

Not quite as catchy, but it might be more effective.

It used to bother me when my divorced and still bitter grandmother would prod me about my personal life. Each time, I would debate whether I should just lie and tell her I did have a boyfriend. She wouldn’t know. She’s in Florida and I’m in California. But lying to the one who gave you hard candies as a kid isn’t the way to go about it—it’s a new low. Sure, I have friends who are single, friends in good or bad marriages and some who are divorced. None of them seem to be any more or less happy than I am. So, maybe marriage isn’t always the answer? Or divorce?

Take Aimee, a creative director from Los Angeles, married and divorced all at the ripe old age of 32. She thought it was the natural next step in her relationship and got married when she was 26. Her friends all pretended to be happy for her, while at the same time murmuring that odds of it lasting were slim. They had only been together for two years and neither settled into their careers. After the excitement of the wedding died down, they were left alone and all of their annoying qualities compounded. They fought over money constantly. Aimee and Kevin didn’t have kids, so she cut her losses and divorced him after two years. After it all, she finally admitted to knowing he wasn’t the one all along. It might be peculiar, but she’s part of a growing phenomenon.

“It’s called a ‘starter marriage,’” Aimee proudly announced at a dinner party recently. Somehow, she’d found a way to look at the bright side, but was her spin just whitewashing the fact that she jumped into a marriage too quickly and, quite frankly, too young? “Now, I’m fully prepared for the real thing,” Aimee gloated. Really? Training wheels for commitment?

Pamela Paul validated the term “starter marriage” in her book
The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony, in 2002. She theorizes that societal pressures, unrealistic expectations and the prevalence of divorce have led to a relaxed view towards marriage. To support her theory she interviewed 60 women who’d all had starter marriages and later admitted that there were warning signs that he wasn’t the one. Knowing this, they still married the guy—but for practice.