Separation Nation

Sure separated men can commit…but is the commitment to their (ex)-wives?

By M.K. Apruzzese
Published: Mar 28, 2008

For years, newscasters and self-help books have been telling us that the divorce rate in the United States is out of control. But according to the Associated Press, the latest figures show the divorce rate has actually been falling for the last 20 years. In fact, as we speak, it is at an all-time low—just 3.6 divorces per every thousand marriages.

This information has left many people scratching their heads. But I can offer up an explanation: Separated Man Syndrome. For all intents and purposes, the Separated Man is a shockingly similar species to the Single Guy and the Divorced Man—they tend to live in habitats of the bachelor-pad variety and spend large amounts of time stalking their prey in bars and clubs. But there is one key difference—the Separated Man is still technically married.

My friend Suzi, a 39-year-old marketing director, has made a habit of dating separated men. “There is a huge appeal. They’re house-broken and they understand women’s moods. They’re always checking to see if they are doing things right…like a puppy wagging his tail for a treat,” she explains. “But you need to beware of them. They think they are single, but they really aren’t.”

I, myself, have been drawn to the Separated Man. It’s the allure of someone that acts like he’s a kid in a candy store coupled with the responsibility of a married man who’s had to make a family budget and pick the children up from soccer practice. They’ve proven they are capable of commitment, unlike the mid-40s and 50s perennial bachelors. The sex can be intoxicating because he knows a woman’s body and is eager to win your approval. Flattering; but when the sun comes up, are the feelings real?

My experience has revealed that, yes, separated men do relish the security of a committed relationship. But unfortunately, the commitment is usually to their (soon-to-be?) ex-wife. While a married guy isn’t thinking about his wife at all, the separated man’s mind will wander there. Experts agree that in 50% of separations, couples get back together. So it’s easy to start out with your version of George Clooney, and then be quickly disappointed.

Three men from my recent past fit this bill. (Before you ask, no, I am not a masochist—I just keep getting set up under false pretenses.) “Bachelor” number one had been separated for four months—it wasn’t until our third date that he told me his wife had left him (heartbroken). But our infatuation was strong, so I stuck with it. And for a while our relationship seemed great.

But then, after several months of dating, I asked how the divorce was coming along. “What divorce?” he replied.

He must have seen the look on my face which said, “Should I pull out your eyelashes or fingernails first?” He offered this excuse. “Oh you mean that. I have no idea. Whenever I get anything from her lawyer I just throw it away.”

I reserved the second divorce inquiry until after he said he loved me. When the answer didn’t change, I knew the relationship was doomed. That was over two years ago. I heard recently that he has a new girlfriend. He is still, of course, not divorced.