So What If He's 10, 15, 20 years younger?

Therapist Rachel Gering explores the psychology behind the May/December romance revolution

By Rachel M. Gering
Published: Dec 04, 2007

Halle Berry, Madonna, Cher, Demi Moore. What do these women have in common? They’ve all been in long-term relationships with younger men. Much, much younger men.

And when trendsetters of this caliber are doing it, you know a larger societal shift is at hand. In the last couple of years, by far the biggest relationship trend I’ve witnessed is the emergence of older women/younger men couples, and many of them are extremely happy. Almost one-third of women between ages 40 and 69 are dating younger men (defined as 10 or more years). According to a recent AARP poll, one-sixth of women in their 50s, in fact, prefer men in their 40s.

“Societal attitudes have definitely changed,” says Susan Winter, 52, co-author of Older Women, Younger Men: New Options for Love and Romance. Winter also points out that women have experienced a significant financial and status shift over the past half-century. Since women no longer have to evaluate a man based on whether or not he’s going to be a good provider, it’s opened up a much wider pool to choose from.

Other reasons behind this trend: the divorce rate is much higher now than it has been in the past, and many women post-divorce are out there looking for a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Dating younger men makes sense because they are not necessarily looking to settle down and have children—companionship, travel and having fun mean much more to this demographic.

For their part, younger men often find older women more interesting, more stable and, yes, more sexually adept than women their age. Self-described “cougar hunters” Jeremy Mape, 29, and Mark Lobosco, 28, created Urbancougar.com, specifically because they like the confidence and sexual prowess of the older women they’ve dated. The two appeared on ABC News recently to discuss the site. “You have 30, 40, 50-year old women who look like they’re 25,” Mape said. The fact that older women are looking better every day, thanks to creative medical advances and growing attention to fitness, is not lost on them.

But older women/younger guy relationships aren’t always portrayed as two-sided. The term “cougar” depicts women as predators, rather than empowered, independent and loving people. And who can forget NBC’s the Age of Love, a reality dating show that pitted women in their 20s against women in their 40s in a battle for the heart of tennis star Mark Philippoussis. Sure, the younger woman won, but it was an exceptionally close race.

So can May-December romances really work?

Alice, 42, an executive at an advertising agency in New York, met firefighter Gregg, 31, at a charity event four years ago. “After chatting for a while, it was obvious we were attracted to one another and two days later we went out on our first date. It went so well it never occurred to me to ask Gregg his age.”

Gregg admits he knew Alice was older, but he wasn’t sure by how many years. “When I realized Alice was 11 years older then me, I was concerned. But only for a moment.”

Alice seconds that they both quickly recognized the benefits. “I love her confidence and how comfortable she is in her body,” said Gregg. And Alice says it’s Gregg’s spontaneity and sense of adventure that appeal to her.

Another couple I know had a twelve year age difference. Carol, 44, had two children from a previous marriage and wasn’t looking to have any more. After five years together, her boyfriend admitted that he really did want children after all. Inevitably, the relationship failed.

Chris and Ellie, another cougar couple, were extremely compatible in almost every way. Chris was a partner in several restaurants and truly lived the nightlife. Ellie had recently left a long-term relationship, and found Chris exciting—it had been a long time since she went out to clubs and danced until 2am. Unfortunately, over time, partying several nights a week grew tiresome, and Ellie wanted their life to settle down a bit. She thought she could be understanding, and she kept hoping that he might slow down. But it didn’t happen. The relationship didn’t last.

The potential issues facing May-December couples are the exact same problems most couples struggle with. It’s crucial that two people share long-term goals and priorities. So how do you make sure that you’re maintaining healthy communication? It’s not easy, but if you feel the relationship has potential to go the distance, then start talking about what you expect from one another. If you are not interested in having children, make sure you tell him that. If his lifestyle is an issue for you, feel out how adaptable he is. And he needs to be just as honest with you about what he sees for himself in the future.

Sure, these conversations can be daunting—but it’s better to go through the discomfort of having them than to find out down the road that it can’t work. Couples counseling can be a wonderful way to talk about these things in a safe atmosphere, and sometimes it’s easier to work through issues with a trained professional. If you can be open about these issues, an older women/younger man couple has just as much of a chance for longevity as any couple embarking on a new relationship.

So, next time you meet a younger guy, don’t automatically dismiss him. Embrace your inner cougar, let out a roar and go for it.