Immaculate Rejection

Are e-mail, instant-messaging and texting just a great way to avoid intimacy?

By M.K. Apruzzese
Published: Dec 01, 2007

My ex was a lawyer from Wyoming, who was raised in the cowboy footsteps of his idols, Clint Eastwood and John Wayne. He had the polite etiquette of a businessman mixed with the confidence of someone who would swoop in and pull you from a burning building with an, “Aw shucks, it was nothing.” We had been dating for a year, and saw each other often. When we couldn’t be together, we talked on the phone every night and exchanged occasional emails by day. He lassoed me like he lassoed cattle.

Then one day, my cowboy stopped returning my phone calls. After a few random attempts at contacting him, anxiety set in. What if I’d said something to offend him? What if his horse had realized he was a lawyer and thrown him clear across the canyon? After a week of alternately pulling out my hair and drinking lemon drop martinis at the crack of noon, my cowboy finally sent me an email. He stated, in his always affable manner, that nothing was wrong; it was only that he had met someone else he wanted to date. Only?!? I never heard from him again.

While this story is extreme in the canon of dating disasters, it got me thinking about how email, text messages and instant messenger – the ultimate tools of convenience – have become a way to block out intimacy. Email is now a way of life for 1.1 billion users worldwide, according to a recent Radicati Group study. That’s roughly one out of every six people in the world. For the millions who are into online dating, email is used to discover someone, fall in love and break up, all without ever having to meet face to face. And for many offline couples, emailing has become a predominant way of interacting.

Concise communication has its benefits, but it can also be the cause of what pop psychologists might dub intimacy avoidance. For instance, email is used a lot more to deliver bad news rather than good. When someone has good news they are usually ecstatic and can’t wait to call someone up and tell them all about it. Not so with bad news. It’s just the least painful way out.

I was surprised to discover that my former business partner, Brian – normally a great guy – had dumped a woman via email for exactly this reason. “Yes, I’ve sent a Dear John email,” Brian, 45, admits. “Maybe it’s immature, but the truth was that I just wanted a light, sexual relationship. After a month, when she wanted it to go further, I sent her an email saying that I was interested in someone else.”

I had to ask if he really was interested in someone else. “No,” he stated meekly. “But I didn’t want the hassle of having to listen to her ask questions. Email let me get away with being a heartless bastard.”

Like Brian’s cowardly note and my cowboy’s matter-of-fact message, email gives men an avenue to avoid what many fear most – confrontation with a woman. Breaking up by email is even more nonchalant than the infamous break-up Post-It which Berger left on Carrie Bradshaw’s laptop. Not only is the dumped unable to respond, but the dumper doesn’t have to deal with the emotional fall-out of their actions. It’s akin to someone sticking a sock in your mouth right after they step on your foot with stiletto heels and saying, “Sorry, I know it hurts but you can’t scream!” Would Clint Eastwood break up with someone by email? I think not.