When You, God Forbid, Need An Attorney...

"The thing about lawyers is that 99% of them give the rest a bad name." - Ben Stein

By Joann Yeh Litt
Published: Dec 01, 2007

Q: What is the ideal weight for a lawyer?
A: Ten pounds...but that includes the urn.

Q: What do you call 1,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: Why does New York have so many lawyers and New Jersey so many toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got first choice.

Q: How do you save a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.

Lawyers: can’t live with ‘em; can’t live without ‘em. As much as lawyers are generally despised (for being greedy, evil, slimy, underhanded, etc.), the second you’re in trouble, the first thing you want to do is call an attorney.

Some situations you might be able to handle on your own. Examples would be name changes, small claims, wills and trusts that don’t involve the Johnson & Johnson family fortune, incorporating a small business, etc. Check websites such as www.legalzoom.com and www.nolopress.com for resources and information that will guide you through the process and point you to the rights forms and documents. Legalzoom will even file the documents for you.

But, if you have a more complex problem or just don’t know what the hell’s going on, suck it up and go talk to an attorney.

Okay. Now that you’ve accepted the fact that you need help from one of Satan’s spawn, how do you go about finding the right one?

Just as with hairdressers and bikini waxers, the best bet is through referrals from family, friends or colleagues. You obviously would prefer to have the lawyer that got your best friend out of her DUI than take a chance with one you saw in a cheesy, late-night TV ad.

If you don’t have any personal referrals, contact your local bar association, many of which are certified by the state bar to provide referral and other services to help you find your perfect match. They usually will keep a list of attorneys who are prescreened and monitored for performance and ethics. This service is either free or available for a nominal charge.

In addition, you can comb through websites like www.lawyers.com and www.lawyers.findlaw.com and go from there.

Allen Rodriguez, Operations Administrator for the Los Angeles County Bar Association’s Lawyer Referral & Information Service, recommends always getting at least three referrals, from whatever source. “People have different approaches to the same problem, so do some comparisons,” says Rodriguez, who has been working with people to find attorneys for almost 10 years and has the scars to prove it. Be absolutely sure to check your state’s Bar authority (either via website or telephone) to confirm that the attorney is actually licensed in your state and has no record of discipline. Unfortunately, there are a surprising number of people passing themselves off as lawyers who never went to law school or never passed the bar. With so many licensed, qualified jerks available, don’t get stuck with a wannabe.

Once you’ve nailed down some to consider, meet with them in person. Most don’t charge a fee to discuss whether they have expertise in the type of problem you need resolved, whether they will take your case, and how much they cost. Before you sign or agree to anything, however, do some CYA. First, make sure they have malpractice insurance. Second, look at their fees schedule—is it by the hour? on contingency? are you comfortable with it? Third, ask to see a copy of the retainer agreement, which details, among other things, when their representation begins (upon payment of a fee or when you sign the agreement?) and how to terminate it. If they refuse to show it to you, buh-bye.

Other things you may want to consider are the types of clients they have, whether they have clients in your particular situation and what law school they went to. Even if not every Yale Law grad is a great lawyer and some great lawyers went to Podunk Law, it isn’t a sin to care about the difference and you’re not a horrible person for preferring the Yalie.