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Clockwatching
Why are some women’s biological clocks on permanent snooze while others go off like alarm bells?
By Renee Rosen
Published: Dec 01, 2007
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DEL.ICIO.US
YAHOOThe other day, while strolling about downtown Chicago, I came across a chic-looking woman in her mid thirties. She had a Barney’s bag and a Starbuck’s in one hand and was pushing a baby stroller with the other. As she disappeared into the wash of Michigan Avenue, I realized that she had everything conventional society says a woman my age should desire. Namely, a child. But already in my forties, with my ovulating days numbered, she only reminded me that my time for motherhood was running out.
I’m sure I’m not alone. Many women in their mid 30s to 40s, who never thought about babies or heard the ticking of their biological clocks are now facing the fact that they may never bear children of their own. While some are fine with this, and decided long ago against motherhood, others find themselves racing to conceive. They have either been holding out for the right partner, or they’ve been so busy with their lives that time got away from them and now it might be too late.
Some women have always known they wanted to be mothers. While we were dating like banshees, building our careers and establishing our “independent” lives, these women were looking to procreate. They dated differently than we did, seeking stable, grounded men who had fatherhood branded on their foreheads. These women often knew how many kids they’d have, their preferred sexes and in some cases, even their names. Who the father would be seemed secondary, so long as he could provide the sperm.
Then there are those of us who regardless of our martial status, clearly do not fancy motherhood. We’ve known this like we know our true hair color. “I’m too selfish to have children,” says 43-year-old Gwen, a single graphic designer. “Besides, I don’t even like babies.” Blasphemous as this may seem to some, plenty of women like Gwen know exactly where they stand on the issue of motherhood. These are women who proudly refer to themselves as being childfree. Not childless. It’s a choice. It’s a big difference.
And studies show that childfree couples tend to be happier in their relationships and have more discretionary income, which affords them the type of carefree lifestyle their childbearing counterparts would no doubt find enviable.
But what about the rest of us who waffle between indifference and sudden bursts of maternal desire? Didn’t we have plenty of time to think about having babies? “I kept putting it off because of my career,” says Marla, a 45-year-old songwriter. “My husband and I never discussed children until I was 39.” After three years of trying and two miscarriages later, she remains ambivalent about the role of motherhood. Then there’s Karla, who at 41 runs a successful consulting firm and finds she hasn’t got time for babies. “My work has become my baby,” she says. “It takes up all my time. My husband and I never see each other long enough to have dinner, let alone sex. If I took time off to have a baby, my company would crumble. It took me eight years to build this [business]. I can’t just give it up.”
Yet again, we have the old tug-of-war between career and motherhood. According to psychotherapist, Celeste Trevino, “It’s scary for women in powerful positions to think about giving up their careers. They’re afraid they’ll be less vital. They gain a great deal of self worth from their careers and there’s a fear that they will have to give that up in order to have children. However,” Trevino added, “if they don’t have children, there’s the opposing fear that they’re somehow incomplete as women. They’re struggling to find a balance.”
Career definitely plays a part in our parental paradox, but there’s more to it than that. While we were busy establishing our livelihoods, flaunting our carefree ways and expending entirely too much energy on someone who wasn’t the one, our counterparts were mixing baby formulas, cranking diaper genies and tripping over sippy cups in their living rooms. Is that the life we saw for ourselves? Do we even want babies, or do we just resent that the choice has now been made for us?
“It pisses me off,” says Marla the songwriter. “Now that I’m ready and I think I want a baby, I can’t seem to have one.” For the past three years, Marla has held her breath in anticipation of her period. If she doesn’t get it, she’s panicked at the prospects of motherhood and panicked that she won’t be able to carry the baby full term. If she does get her period, she sad because there’s another month gone by that she hasn’t conceived. “My husband and I just waited too long to start trying.”
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