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"Mommy's Crying Because She's Happy"
The sun will come out...tomorrow
By Susanna Brisk
Published: Dec 01, 2007
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YAHOOIn an ongoing series called Mamafied, writer Susanna Brisk promises us her no-holds-barred feelings on parenthood and the experiences that follow—from the messy to the magnificent.
The headlines are full of mothers who “snap,” and statistics show that almost 80% of women will suffer from a postpartum slump, ranging from “baby blues” to the psychotic acts that make the evening news. But no one ever talks about prepartum depression. Before I had kids, I was habitually miserable. So I changed my diet. Now I eat organic fruit and vegetables, no wheat, no white flour or sugar, no high fructose corn syrup and no dairy except yak. I ingest tempeh, mangosteen, goji, noni, agave and acai and use aluminum free deodorant made of flax. I’ve cleansed my colon, my liver and my aura. I take whole food supplements, probiotics, DHA, EPA, Vitamins C, B, A, St John’s Wort, Don Qi, Chan Lu and Jackie Chan. Plus I take magnesium, copper, zinc, and other ingredients traditionally found in pennies and sunscreen. I do yoga booty ballet and jump on a rebounder for ten minutes daily. The good news is I’m no longer depressed.
I’m manic.
I’ve sought the help of many experts to cure my depression. I’ve been counseled by psychiatrists, psychologists, psychotherapists, psycho-pharmacologists and psychics. I’ve attended neurolinguistic EST type trainings, leadership seminars and prayed for guidance at Orthodox, Conservative, Kabbalistic, Reform and Reconstructionist Jewish services. I’ve meditated, gone on spa retreats, shopped compulsively and gone to meetings of Nicotine Anonymous, Neurotics Anonymous and Women in Film.
I’ve seen a nutritionist, a spiritual healer, an acu-pressurist and -puncturist, masseuses, six chiropractors, a physical therapist and practitioners of reiki and shiatsu. I stopped short at going to see a guy who claimed he could read my future by looking at prints of my sphincter, not because I didn’t believe in it in principal, but because I didn’t like his haircut. And I figured if the guy can’t intuit a good barber, how’s he going to master something as esoteric as my bum? Really.
I’ve breathed through Hatha, Kundalini, Purna, Iyengar and Thai yoga. I’ve experienced Feldenkrais, the Alexander technique, Suzuki, Grotowski and sense memory. I understand myself better than ever before, I’m limber and I’m obsessive.
I have no idea what possessed me to think that I was ready for motherhood, but since having two kids in a row, my depression has morphed into a more active kind of depression than it used to be. I have to fit it in between swimming, gymnastics, play dates and pre-school fundraisers. And the kids whining from the other room has really ruined stewing in self-pity under the covers. I’m not trying to glamorize the boring, repetitive, mindless, annoying, bone-tiring, messy and germy, hideously unrewarding aspects of motherhood. Sometimes I have to slap a big phony smile on and say, (through tears) “Mommy’s crying because she’s happy.”
The first years of my sons’ lives were spent in a fog. Forget postpartum depression, how about post-traumatic stress? But as the hormonal haze clears, I realize there are many things I haven’t tried – Native American sweat lodges, past-life regression, fasting, becoming a Buddhist monk, chanting with Krishna devotes, Qi-Gong, Christian exorcism (where do you go for a good exorcism?), joining a cult, starting a cult, color visualization, Dianetics, magnet therapy, Goddess workshops and vaginal decoration. But I have tried motherhood, and no matter how many mistakes I make with my children, they continue to save my life. Being Mamafied may not be the miracle cure for everything, but if I keep trying, I believe I will become a true MILF.
Susanna is currently performing the one person show "Mamafied" Fridays and Saturdays at 8:30 p.m. and Sundays at 7:30 p.m. at Edgemar Center for the Arts, 2437 Main Street Santa Monica, CA 90405. For tickets 310.392.7327. or http://www.edgemarcenter.org/Edgemar/events.html. For more details please visit www.mamafied.com
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