Your Hollywood

Dating for Green Cards and more movies about toys! by Peter Gilstrap


If Ethel Merman could belt one out from beyond the grave, she’d no doubt warble a blaring reminder to us all that there’s no business like show business. The heady scent of Oscars have wafted down the boulevard—a kind of burnt toast mixed with excitement smell—and, now that the writer’s strike has cleared the reach-around-and-make-up phase, there is business once again in the very heart of show business, H-wood. Whew!

 

Love, Almost American Style

Will that mean less wrap-around filler for commercials, er, sorry, non-scripted reality shows? Who knows? The public gets what the public wants, but here’s one show that has yet to grace the sets of the millions of real people who crave fake reality: Who Wants to Marry a US Citizen?

abc I have to admit, once I wanted to marry a US citizen, and did! I also divorced a US citizen. Or did she divorce me? Anyway, who cares? That’s a series no one would want to watch. “WWTMAUSC?” (produced by an L.A.-based company called Morusa Media—Spanish for “she moribund idea,” I think) involves people from other countries who have temporary visas hoping to tie the knot with a bona fide U.S.A. lover, AKA green card. Good luck, Mr. and Ms. Immigrant. Even the all-powerful Court of Television can’t play Uncle Sam. There are rules to this, which the subtly-named show’s website, hookacitizen.com, reveals:

“Please Note: This show does NOT marry people nor do we guarantee a marriage will result from the show. We do not book illegal immigrants on our show. We DO NOT give out green cards or visas. That's the government's job!” The show’s poetic creator Adrian Martinez claims that it’s all about showing that “true love knows no boundaries.” Maybe so, but one wonders exactly how much true love is involved with this thing. After all, it’s no Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire.

Host Angelo Gonzales told CBS’s Early Show with Hannah Storm that, “We’re not trying to get involved with the immigration process. We’re in the business of love, it’s that simple.” At least he acknowledges that love is a business. The show hasn’t been picked up as of press time, but let’s keep our red, white and blue fingers crossed. Hopefully, one day we can welcome those poor, tired—and presumably single—huddled masses onto our shores of dating freedom.

 

Hasbro Has Legs

BattleshipWhoever says the creative brain trust in Hollywood died on the vine after the first Son of Flubber better think again. Look what’s in store, moviegoers! In fact, it’s all quite literally “in stores,” and has been for some time. Universal Pictures has inked a six-year, four-film pact with Hasbro to bring Monopoly, Clue, Ouija, Battleship, Magic, the Gathering and Stretch Armstrong to the big screen.

Why, why, why? Here’s an explanation found in the Hollywood Reporter: “Hasbro's portfolio of products has tremendous emotional resonance with children and adults,” said Universal Pictures co-chairmen Marc Shmuger and David Linde. “They offer an exciting opportunity for us to develop tentpole movies with built-in global brand awareness, which is a key component of our slate strategy.”

Yes, they really talk like that—and apparently at the same time—“behind the scenes” in Hollywood. It all translates to, “here’s some simple shit people already know about, so they’ll pay us a lot of money to go see movies of it. Suckas!” Maybe it’s just me, but all those Hasbro titles sound geared toward adolescent boys whose idea of a tentpole happens over five or six Red Bulls and Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.

Don’t worry ladies, Hasbro still has plenty of emotionally resonating ideas in its portfolio, just for you. How about My Little Pony: Electric Boogaloo, or Easy-Bake Oven: The Musical. Sadly, if recalls listed at Hasbro.com are any indication, we won’t be seeing certain potential blockbusters: The Galoob Sky Dancers (“Unpredictable flight of dolls-risk of facial and eye injuries.”), the Tiger Electronics Pooh Poppin’ Piano (“Small parts-choking hazard.”), or the Chicken Limbo Party Game, (“Stability hazard-game may hit and injure users and bystanders.”). Too bad. Limbo is the universal party language; what a great icebreaker it would have been on an awkward first date with that special, Green Card-seeking knockout.

 

Peter Gilstrap is an L.A.-based writer who is living the dream, along with two dogs and cat.




 
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