Politics As Unusual

The theme of this year's race to the White House is “change.” You can't go wrong voting for the guy in the cape and eyeliner

By Gerard Olson
Published: Feb 11, 2008

It’s been a long seven years since Bush stumbled into office, and what an adventure it’s been. Though Dubya has provided no lack of entertaining moments that have included war, waterboarding and wiretapping, voters may be anxious for a new direction.

Fortunately, it’s an election year and by now everybody’s well acquainted with the fresh meat. The depressing state of the country has been a boon to the current crop of candidates, who have basically been running their campaigns based on whose kisses will make America’s boo-boos feel best.

Still, no one really seems all that convinced. From Hillary’s voting record on the war to Mitt’s cybernetic inner-workings, figuring out who to vote for seems like more trouble than it’s worth. Maybe it’s time to abandon the mainstream candidates and give your support to one of these way-off-the-beaten-track future presidents.

Jeff “Petro” Petkevicius (http://www.cheapgasforamerica.com/)

Humble Origins: Currently employed at “the coolest water treatment company in the world,” Petro has gone from driving trucks, to playing football, to getting Jesus tattoos on his meaty biceps.

Plans For America: In Petro’s bad-ass, Jesus-loving, totally extreme America, the Nation’s Capital will change cities every four years! The President will have his own reality show! There will be a Secretary of Comedy to make sure Leno stays in line! And speeding tickets won’t go on your driving record! Rock on!

Why You Should Vote For Him: Petro flaunts his Blue Collar credentials, devising a list of questions that every candidate should answer, such as “Do you know what a pallet jack is?” and “Ever been in a spot financially where you had to choose between a pizza or a movie?” Petro then goes on to assure you that he scored 100%...on the quiz he wrote. Progressive indeed.

What His Opponents Will Use Against Him: His plan for a National Day of Apologies and Forgiveness sounds like hippie talk. And Bill O’Reilly is not going to go for it one bit.

Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey

Humble Origins: In an apparent attempt to prevent scandal, The Impaler’s biography gives you all the steamy details, and then some. A former wrestler, Jonathon became a Satanist after a bad breakup - an event chronicled on his website with Star Wars’ references aplenty. He went on to form the VWP, a witches and pagans-based political party, as well as Vampyres, Witches, Pagans Against Impaired Driving. Oh, and also he accidentally hooked up with his half-sister during “the best sexual weekend [he’s] ever had in [his] life.”

Plan For America: Jonathon supports cheap health care, bringing the troops home, unionization and the impalement of anybody that has pissed him off. Luckily, he has a checklist of future impalees, including Osama Bin Laden, Paris Hilton, and George Bush, whose blood he vows to drink (that’s a campaign promise that’s not so easily broken.)

Why You Should Vote For Him: “The Impaler is not just a warrior, a Sanguinary Satanic Vampyre, a Hecate Witch, a lover, but is above all - a ‘Real American.’”

What His Opponents Will Use Against Him: Already, it’s fairly easy to see that Jonathon won’t be the darling of the religious right. He calls himself “a servant of Lucifer,” and claims “The Christian God The Father is my mortal enemy. I hate and despise him.” On the other hand, his promises to “drop Hades’ bombs on Mecca” and his taunts that, “Muhammad is the false prophet of bitches” are enough to make any Evangelical get a deep down happy feeling. If Pat Robertson can ignore Rudy’s infidelities, surely he can pass over Jonathon’s pentagrams.

Da Vid

Humble Origins: Da Vid’s biography is teeming with words like “Harmony,” “Gaia,” and, the truly terrifying, “New Age Music.” Seemingly, he’s a holistic doctor, an artist and the Director of the Global Peace Foundation (which, judging from the lack of global peace, seems to be less than effective.)

Plan For America: Realizing the average American’s inability to focus on complex ideas without a USA Today-friendly chart, Da Vid’s “synergistic seven-point platform” comes in a roundish, snowflake shape. Among the points? The creation of the Artainment Global Family Television Network, which “is the synthesis and climax of the biological and technological evolutions that has been occurring within the Universal Mind over the past 15 billion years.” When the acid wears off, though, it’s just reruns of Happy Days.

Why You Should Vote For Him: He knows where to get really good drugs. And he’s wicked on the bongos.

What His Opponents Will Use Against Him: What won’t they use against him? Da Vid apparently is not familiar with the workings of American politics. In a time when candidates debate who is more like Jack Bauer, it may not help that Da Vid’s most aggressive plans entail “unleashing powerful forces of cooperation, reconciliation and healing.” Also, even an Abraham Lincoln clone wouldn’t be able to withstand an association with New Age music. Voters can tolerate lying, infidelities and flip-flopping, but the line has to be drawn somewhere.