Future Of...Icons of Christmas

Nothing is sacred. Not even Santa's belly.

By Peter Gilstrap
Published: Dec 19, 2007

Sometimes it seems like all the really fun American traditions—drinking, smoking, gorging on thick slabs of bloody meat—are systematically being eliminated by the ascetics among us who apparently want to live forever. Prepare for another stab at our beloved heritage, but this time, the target in the health-lovers’ crosshairs isn’t a simple lunchtime whiskey sour or a calming pack of unfiltered Camels.

It’s Santa Claus.

According to U.S. Surgeon General Rear Adm. Steven K. Galson, St. Nick needs to “slim down. It is really important that the people who kids look up to as role models are in good shape, eating well and getting exercise,” said the boss doc in an interview after a presentation on obesity at the Boston Children’s Museum. He went on to compare Santa with NFL players who promote healthy lifestyles to kids (neglecting to mentioning the 41 NFL arrests this year for charges from domestic assault to boating under the influence).

Also, the Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas has suggested its 800 members lose weight to “set an example.” But it doesn’t stop with health issues. Santas are coming under fire for saying “ho ho ho,” as it’s potentially offensive to women, and for uttering “Merry Christmas,” lest non-Christians be in hearing range. What new horrors will coming Yuletides bring?

2008
Citing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer’s “very shiny nose,” as a clear indicator of alcohol abuse, numerous temperance groups demand the cutie’s removal from Xmas imagery. A rep from neo-prohibitionist group Mother’s Against Drunk Driving rails against the cuddly reindeer’s slay driving irresponsibility saying, “Have you seen that nose? If you ever saw it, you would even say it glows!”

2009
Due to the ever-increasing influence of spiritual leader Eckhart Tolle’s bestseller The Power of Now—emphasizing that dwelling in the past or the future is pointless, and only the present exists—the Ghosts of Christmas Past and Future are stricken from Dickens’ classic A Christmas Carol. Leaving only the Ghost of Christmas present, Scrooge learns nothing, and remains an utter bastard. The End.

2010
Searching for any remaining Earth-harming element, Green movement leaders call for the banishment of Jack Frost from Christmastime vernacular. Extremists also protest against Heat Miser, animated star of the Rankin/Bass 1974 kid's TV special, The Year Without a Santa Claus, exhorting that, “Heat Miser is bad because he makes everything hot.”

2011
PETA—claiming the traditional Nativity Scene nothing less than a raging Negativity Scene—exposes the cruelty of the Baby Jesus to barnyard animals. “These cows and goats and sheep were forced out of their rightful manger home,” reads a PETA pamphlet. “The Son of God could be born anywhere He wants!”

2012
Five years on, spurned by the continuing war in Iraq, the Bush legacy has left the country in such deplorable shape that the national zeitgeist is one of chronic, massive depression. Holiday audiences can no longer identify with the 1946 classic It’s A Wonderful Life, and it’s removed from television. An updated remake, however, is an instant hit, and heralded by critics as “Defining Christmas for a new generation”: Life is Completely Fucked.

Peter Gilstrap is a Los Angeles writer who will be spending Christmas in Tijuana.

Browse All Features >