Future Of...U.S. Weaponry

Who needs atomic power when you can tickle them to death?

By Peter Gilstrap
Published: Dec 24, 2007

One of the many comforting aspects of being an American citizen is the ability to sleep soundly at night knowing that we are protected by the United States military. Guided, of course, by the Hand of God, the brilliant minds behind our mighty war machine never rest in the creation of new weaponry.

From the GBU-Bunker Buster (a sexy, 5,000 pound explosive that helped Operation Enduring Freedom really make an impact) to the AS 90 Braveheart tank (if Mel had had one of these babies back in 1280 Scotland, he could have kicked serious Limey ass, you bet!) to the beloved BLU-28 Commando Vault Daisy Cutter packing 12,600 pounds of Gelled Slurry Explosive (dance to that, motherfuckers!), our boys have been working overtime to make sure that bad people get dead and stay that way.

But wait a second, Mr. and Ms. Peacenik; before you use up that entire box of Kleenex sobbing about the bloodshed and destruction that, by the way, allows you the freedom to enjoy that carton of weepy wipes and so many other luxuries our great nation provides (try drying your eyes with a handful of Afghani sand sometime!), be aware that our fighting brain trust isn’t always focused on pure killing, however deserved it may be.

The Pentagon has a tender side. At the U.S. Navy’s 2007 Opportunity Forum, a non-lethal piece of fighting genius was unveiled, designed by wireless tech company Invocon.

The Vomit Beam. It’s simple and effective; a radio frequency is beamed through walls to induce extreme vertigo and instant barfing, with nary a hint of lethal force. Perfect. Let’s face it, it’s hard to keep your mind on committing vicious terrorist crimes when you’re yakking up a lunchtime load of samoosi yirakot.

In lieu of terror, death and bloodshed, embarrassment, annoyance and frat level silliness could incapacitate our future global enemies. Supremely effective chess moves that will alter weapons—and warfare--as we know it.

2008
The Erection Beam: To quote Kappa Alpha frat brother General George Patton, “where there are vomit and farts, boners can’t be far behind.” The erection inducing beam causes non-sexual arousal, creating extreme confusion and obligatory bending over to mask the involuntary stiffies, visible through any garment, be it tent-like Iraqi thoub or traditional western military uniform.

2009
The Stomach Gurgling Beam: Not effective or even particularly funny. However, in 2038’s UK takeover, Operation 52nd State, the beam proves extremely capable, embarrassing British troops into humiliating defeat.

2010
The Public Radio Pledge Drive Beam: Having exhausted decisive toilet humor maneuvers, the Pentagon introduces the brilliant PRPDB, a beam projecting a constant stream of brain numbing, non-stop pledge demands. The fact that Middle Eastern cabals are unfamiliar with “Car Talk” or “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me” only add to the beam’s astonishing, “Bore’em All, Let God Sort’em Out” power.

2011
The Beam Beam: Taking the beam weapon ideology to its sublime apex, the Kucinich White House demands a simple shaft of peaceful light, accompanied by Pink Floyd hits.
An utter failure, the Boner Beam is reinstated.

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