It's Happening...Quest for Better Boobs

DAME's monthly round-up of the evidence that the world is going crazy

By Peter Gilstrap
Published: Dec 06, 2007

Boobs

Pity the small-breasted women of yesteryear, those who lived in a time when what God doled out in the chest department was theirs to live with, like them or not. Little did they know that mere decades into the future, ladies with a yen for cups that runneth over could plunk down a few grand and, in less time than it takes to braise a pot roast, have a brand new, beautifully righteous rack. pam

The quest for the better boob has become an integral part of the universal zeitgeist. Last year in the U.S. alone, 329,000 breast augmentation operations took place, creating enough cleavage to park a battleship.

These days, for females interested in intimate restructuring who do not wish to go the surgical route, there are some exciting new options.
boza
As Frank Zappa once informed us, “titties and beer” go hand in hand. But what if you could guzzle your way to brand new knockers? Get out your coozies ladies, because now you can! At least that’s what the folks who brew Boza beer would have you believe; the Bulgarian beverage, made from fermented wheat and a secret ingredient, has proved to be a big seller in Eastern Europe. Does it work? Drink enough, and the roughly 1,000 calories per liter will grow bigger tits on anyone. It’s called fat.

f-cup From Japan comes another option, F Cup Cookies. You won’t find the Girl Scouts selling them (they’d probably scarf them all themselves), but allegedly eating two cookies a day will take your twins on a quick trip through the first six letters of the alphabet. The magic morsels are chock full of 50mg of Pueraria Mirifica, a plant native to Thailand and Myanmar, containing elements used to make breasts grow.

gum

Japan apparently is a hotbed of boob farmers; they’ve also got a product called Bust-Up Gum that contains good old Pueraria Mirifica. Bust-Up claims that most women will notice a difference within two months of chewing two pieces, four times a day. Results aren’t permanent, however, so you’ll need a strong jaw. Oh yes, it’s happening. Va va va voom.

Peter Gilstrap is an L.A.-based writer whose passions include beer, cookies and gum. He was breast fed.

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