Reality Bytes: What We Learned

A compendium of observations about the world of almost celebrity.

By Jonathan Bender
Published: Apr 21, 2008

Regularly scheduled maintenance

Only on Real Housewives of NYC, could you have a friend that also does your botox. Because Ramona doesn’t want to go under the knife, she receives a vela shape and IPL laser therapy (totally natural) for a cool $6,000, from her doctor, who has traded a white lab coat for calf-length, black leather boots and offers a session-ending glass of champagne. Just like your HMO, right?

Across town, Alex takes her four-year-old son Francois to be evaluated in order to get into the right preschool. While a doctor tests his motor skills, Francois announces that “he’ll do something harder,” and “I’m too smart for you.” It’s nice to know that even at four, one can feel entitled to belittle those being paid for a service.

An argument over Alex’s decision to bring husband Simon to girl’s night spans over two episodes. In a speech about gender equality, Alex offers a line about being comfortable discussing plug-in vibrators, which she apparently ordered as a muscle relaxer from the 1918 Sears & Roebuck catalogue.

Wondering if you and your friends still act like you did in high school? Well, compare and contrast your behavior with the five ladies from The Real Housewives of NYC from the reunion show - running forever on Bravo.

Real Housewives

Exercising Demons

Trainer Jackie Warner assures viewers that she has been accepting resumes from all over the country and held an open call in Los Angeles for this year’s crop of actors…um, personal trainers.

Whether it’s Brian (Jason Statham with a Southern accent) or American Gladiators reject Greg, this season promises plenty of male eye candy. Credit Renessa, a new female trainer, with introducing the world to the concept of “buttless panties,” basically a thong with a connection of fabric across the top. We’re not touching that one…

In the season introduction, entitled "The Warm Up," we learn that Jackie is a lesbian cougar claiming to have only slept with straight women over the past nine months. So now young single women need to be worried about men and women hitting on them at bars?

But it’s still good to see that at Sky Sport and Spa all arguments can be solved with a simple, “I’m over it.” Even beautiful people can be passive-aggressive.

Grab a glass of red wine, a slice of cheesecake (or four) and, from the omfort of your own couch, watch other people struggle to get in shape on Workout 3, (Bravo, Thursday, 10 p.m.)

Work Out

It makes you want to hurl

In the finale of Rock of Love 2 With Bret Michaels, Ambre and Daisy are forced to share a suite and aren’t given keys. A brilliant move by producers, that instantly has them locking horns. “Surgery can make me hotter, but surgery can’t make her smarter,” says Ambre. She is wrong on both accounts, as a surgically implanted hamster wheel might be enough to give Daisy a leg up.

Meanwhile, Daisy’s surgically enhanced body is racked with seasickness on her yachting date.

“In all of my days watching girls puke, Daisy may be the hottest,” says Bret. His use of the word “may” is completely understandable because all puking is inherently sexy. And apparently televising it is a total ratings booster.

On their date, Ambre informs Bret, and America, that she isn’t wearing any underwear. Bret asks, “Can I see?” and receives the Basic Instinct treatment not once, but twice. Bear in mind that Ambre is being presented as the classier contestant.

But this show couldn’t have ended in any other way, than with Bret suggesting he and the winner go off and have “hot monkey sex.” He always has been a gentleman and a rocker.

And, the reunion episode airing this week is a nonsensical hour featuring subtitles that need subtitles, a woman openly talking about sex before elimination night, and an angry Andy Dick. Look for it to run incessantly on VH1.

Rock of Love

Jonathan Bender is a freelance journalist living in Kansas City, Missouri, with three ladies of three different species. http://web.mac.com/jonathanbender

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