What We Learned From Reality TV

A compendium of observations about the world of almost celebrity.

By Jonathan Bender
Published: Apr 10, 2008

Andy Dick & Bret Michaels

It's good to know that Andy Dick's career is alive and well, or at least that Andy Dick is alive.

What? You say that's not Andy Dick; it's one of the contestants from Rock of Love 2 With Bret Michaels. The second go-round for the conflict-shy Poison lead singer has more mannish women than Transamerican Love Story.

As the second season limps home with only the finale remaining, even Bret Michaels, the man who has professed that everything from crying to kung fu gets him in the mood, is finding very few "turn ons." The latest strumpet to go home, Destiny, obviously didn't watch the first season. After getting a tattoo on her neck of the show's logo, she was sent packing just like Heather of Season 1 fame, who had the decency to get Bret's name before being told to go home. Destiny might just be regretting her decision to become a billboard for a VH1 show.

Want to look like a star of The Birdcage? Look no further than Rock of Love 2 With Bret Michaels (VH1, Sunday, 9 p.m.)

Just What McCain Needed

Heidi Montag, star of The Hills, recently offered up a political endorsement of U.S. Sen. John McCain for President. That's like Condoleeza Rice predicting the next winner of The Real World-Road Rules Challenge. The world of politics and reality television shouldn't intersect, nobody is clamoring for a one-camera drama live from the campaign trail (when Mark Burnett steals this idea, remember you saw it on DAME first).

McCain and Montag are the most unlikely pairing since Bob Dole and Britney Spears uncomfortably shared a commercial for Pepsi. Her heartfelt endorsement was as convincing as Ryan Reynolds in "Definitely, Maybe." It was only surpassed by the septuagenarian's response that she is a "very talented actress." The Hills is scripted? No, say it ain't so, Heidi. Say it ain't so. As of this posting, there is no word on whether Audrina Partridge has been named a superdelegate.

Donâ€™t take political advice or really any inspiration whatsoever from The Hills (MTV, Mondays, 10 p.m.)

The Cook Has Left the Kitchen

It's fun to experiment in the kitchen, go a little crazy with quinoa. But even television cooks need to know their limits. No shocker to see celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay toss up his scallops (which were served with raw quail egg, raw venison, lime zest, olive oil, grated white chocolate, and caviar) during the signature dish tasting of Hellâ€™s Kitchen 4. Makes you feel better about that Barefoot Contessa recipe which didn't go as planned.

After the first tie in the luminous history of Hell's Kitchen, both the men and women's squads cut 41 fillets from a monstrous halibut (highlighted by Louross consistently exhorting his male counterparts to "make love to the fish,"). The men won the tiebreaker by selecting a fillet that was closest to six ounces. But the deck was stacked in their favor. After all, what woman is excited by the prospect of using a scale? Corey, a private chef on the women's team, obviously chose a severely underweight fillet because no lady reveals her true weight on television.

Sous chef Jason unfortunately stopped eating long enough to offer this pearl of wisdom about the women's team, "A room full of girls, that's useless, unless they're having a Tupperware party over there." Strong words from the guy who couldn't cook fish properly and apparently throws in the towel next episode.

Want to see men cry over just about anything? Fire up the remote for Hell's Kitchen (Fox, Tuesdays, 9 p.m.)

Jonathan Bender is a freelance journalist living in Kansas City, Missouri, with three ladies of three different species. http://web.mac.com/jonathanbender

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