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Your Hollywood
Hollyweird spreads holiday cheer
By Peter Gilstrap
Published: Dec 21, 2007
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DEL.ICIO.US
YAHOOHollywood—the intangible, sparkling, place where stardust dreams become magical silver screen realities—is like Christmas all year ‘round. It’s like a jolly Santa that has a special present for you in the theater every weekend, one that he charges you $9.00 to get, unless you’re a student or a senior, and one that might make you laugh or cry, or frightened or even physically ill—who knows? But it’s all part of the fun of H-wood!
To clarify for those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of treading the star-embedded boulevard itself, the real Hollywood is never like Xmas.
Unless your dad is homeless and smells of urine and excreta, your mom is a mixed-race tranny with a six o’clock shadow, your sis is a 14-year-old meth-freak runaway with multiple face piercings, and the presents under the dying shrub are 50/50 t-shirts from a discount souvenir stand that say “I Promise I’m a Doctor” and “It Ain’t Gonna Suck Itself.”
But what the hell? Both Hollywoods, I love ’em.
Which is why I want to bring up an exciting, gift-giving opportunity that the first Hollywood offers, and it’s not about movies. It’s about something better—the stars themselves! What could be more thrilling than getting a personal Merry Christmas phone call from a bona fide Tinsel Town superstar? Nothing. But since that ain’t gonna happen—all the A-listers will no doubt be busy helping the world’s poor—why not settle for a chat with one of the 95 “celebrities” available on Hollywoodiscalling.com?
Imagine picking up the phone on Xmas morning to hear a barely understandable Lou Ferrigno snorting Yuletide greetings to you, (your name here). Think of the ecstatic looks on the faces of the little ones as they pass the phone around while sexy Shauna Sand-Lamas makes this season extra special for them.
“Now for the first time ever you can have a real celebrity make a live phone call to someone you know for just $19.95,” reads the enticing come-on. “Whether it's for a special occasion or just for the fun of it, there's no better way to impress a client, sweetheart or a friend.” (And if they’re all three, as they are in my case, even better!).
HIC.com offers a wide array of talents for fans of every taste. “Gilligan’s Island” fanatic? It’s Russell “The Professor” Johnson calling. Who digs “The Munsters”? Butch “Eddie” Patrick for you. Remember HBO’s hit show “The Sopranos”? You’ve got Joseph Gannascoli on hold, son. Right, the fat guy who turned out to be gay!
For the music lover in your life, the Knack’s Doug Feiger is available—see if he’ll yelp a few bars of “My Sharona” for you. A real treat for sports fan dad will be a tinkle from the toothless champ himself, Leon Spinks—sure beats another Jerry Garcia tie!
It’s all in good fun, but there’s a serious side to Xmas too, the side that Jesus wrote about in the Bible. When the Son of God gave presents, it was to help people, and Hollywood Is Calling puts you in the Jesus seat.
Think about it: Come December 26th, a Sybil Danning, a Kato Kaelin, a Ron “Horshack” Pallilo could be all alone, chain smoking Doral lights, sitting around his or her sparsely furnished apartment watching the dust covered, year-round lights blink in the liquor store window across the street.
But then…they need to call you. You are the bridge to humanity for this washed up soul. You’re giving them a reason to believe, a chance to be a human present under the grand, invisible Hollywood Christmas tree, a glorious gift, wrapped with golden foil topped with a big pink bow and a card reading, Dear (your name here), It’s Ron “Horshack” Pallilo and because you selected me as a gift I’m going to keep on living!! Love, Ron.
Plus, they get to make $19.95. Less Hollywood Is Calling’s fees, of course.
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TAKE ZERO
The powerhouse combo of the World Wide Interweb and fast typing have combined to unleash movie reviews to fans even before the pictures hit the screens. But why wait till they’re finished? Get the lowdown on future releases while they’re still in production.
He’s Just Not That Into You starring Drew Barrymore.
Here are two reasons why this can’t possibly be anything but wretched: 1. It’s called He’s Just Not That Into You. 2. It stars Drew Barrymore.
Ghost Town starring Ricky Gervais, Tea Leoni, Greg Kinnear.
Nothing with Gervais in it can be truly bad. (Full disclosure: I’m such a Rick fan that when I met Paul McCartney at a Mexican restaurant in Pasadena my second sentence to him—after “Thanks for the hits”—was “Do you know Ricky Gervais?” He didn’t.)
Hotel For Dogs starring Don Cheadle, Emma Roberts, Lisa Kudrow.
Guess what? The dogs have human voices belonging to actors you’ll recognize, which—for the true dog lover—ruins everything. Project could have worked if it really was a hotel for actual dogs who ran around the fancy rooms pissing and shitting and eating pizza delivered by a screaming Tracy Jordan. It would also need a Chihuahua swimming in the bathroom Jacuzzi. The feel good canine movie Hollywood refuses to make.
The Incredible Hulk starring Edward Norton, Liv Tyler, Tim Roth, William Hurt.
The big question here is, who’s the Hulk? The answer is, does anyone over 14 with half a life give a shit? And if you’re making a Hulk movie, why not get Lou Ferrigno? I understand he’s available. Though he may phone it in.
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