"I'm twittering. Didn't you get my tweet? I twote all over the place."

The t-word must be stopped

Things we hate most about twitter?
1) The word "twitter" is somewhat icky. It sounds cheese-ily sexual—like some computer dork’s wet dream. Also, it’s prone to inappropriate conjugations.

2) The horrifying level of narcissism that it enables. Is this a pathetic attempt to feel important in the age of relentless celebrity gossip? Are we that desperate to feel like we matter? After all, someone out there MUST be interested in knowing—in real time—that your kid just puked or that you’re bored in a meeting or you just had the most delicious soy latte.

3) That it makes freaky, friendless weirdoes feel like they're suddenly super popular. No longer are you satisfied with merely being grateful someone has "added" you on their myspace or being notified of "news" from your facebook pals. We now don't even care if the cyberspace knows who we are and/or gives a shit as long as maybe, just maybe, someone is out there.

4) Witness the madness:

Oh yeah,  by the way, you can follow us at twitter.com/damemagazine.  You never know what kind of latte we may be having.
 

Signing Bonus!

Does your company pay for prostitutes?

Seems like benefits packages for some Wall Street folks have gotten pretty generous. 

A NYC madam may reveal on ABC News a list of her clients that reportedly includes names of prominent Wall Street power players: CEO's, investment bankers, attorneys, media executives, etc. Everyone knows—thanks to Eliot Spitzer—that these days, you can pay for $2000 an hour prostitutes with a credit card. Some of these enterprising jackoffs, however, went a bit further and put the charges on their corporate cards—with nary a peep from their accounting departments.

Don't these dummies know that a credit card purchase produces the ultimate paper trail? Has no one learned anything from Mr. Spitzer's woes? Guess it's worth the risk of exposure when the company is happy to front the cost of some good ol' fashion stress relief. After all, how else are you going to retain top talent?

While the madam admits to cooking up creative invoices (a line item of "hooker services" would probably be a red flag), she also kept detailed notes on her clients' preferences.  Some requested certain girls and others had an inkling for multi-person mini-parties.

If the service isn't up to par, will Amex help you dispute the charges?
 

Losing our "App"etite

How many pointless iPhone apps do we need

There's no question the iPhone is a decent piece of technology.  But we're seriously starting to question the absurdity of certain apps.  According to 148apps.com, as of February 2nd, there were 18,942 iPhone apps. Really, people.  Do we need it to be a harmonica, too? Do we really need it to tell me my mood (answer: no, because we're usually pissed off) and calculate a tip for me (answer: no, because one should never be too lazy to do simple math)? And can someone please tell me what is so amazing about that stupid chalk man and why we would want to see him dancing around like a bone-less, cracked-out raver? Or what, pray tell, is so cool about making a phone fart?


Whatever. we get that app-overload may be our issue. I guess it's also our issue that we don't get the Geisha iPhone app. She's a geisha! And she dances just for you! Yeah, she dances just for you. Imagine a horrible version of The Robot crossed with Benjamin Button's glide-step when he was on crutches accompanied by ching-chongy music that will make you seriously contemplate ritual suicide. We know this because we had to buy the damn thing to bag on it and now it's cluttering my phone and, I fear, my life.


But why stop at geishas? Why not have a stripper app? Or better yet, a lap dance app? Why not have the iPhone also be a dildo? It already vibrates, so you're halfway there.

Oh, stop, Mr. President, you've gotten me all aTwitter!

Obama has the GOP blushing

Barack Obama has reached out to the Republicans in an attempt to create bipartisanship—and it's working. Maybe a little too well.

The Hill reports that after Obama met with some of the most conservative House Republicans this morning to discuss his stimulus bill, they swooned. And some Twittered. 

Reps. Bob Ingliss (R-S.C.), Pete Hoekstra (R-Mich.), Michael Burgess (R-Texas), and Jeff Flake (R-Ariz.) all effusively reported about their interaction with the president on their Twitter pages. Using words like "desire," "sincere," "impressive," "gracious," "engaging," and "nice job," it seems like some of the haters are coming around—like when you finally agree to go on that date with the boy you profess to hate.
While this atmosphere of potential cooperation is promising for the future of the country, the real news is that these crotchety old white dudes know how to use Twitter.

Unfortunately, it still feels like when your parents try a little too hard to be cool.  

Get Your Goat

News for the kid in you

People often complain to us that the media focuses on trivial matters, like the inauguration of our first black president, or the war in Iraq, instead of issues that matter, like goats that commit armed robbery. We here at DAME feel that we should do something about it. So, without further ado, here is the News That Matters: 

The Scapegoat that didn't Escape

A goat has been arrested under suspicion of committing an attempted robbery. Apparently, in Nigeria, two men were attempting to steal a car, when they were spotted by some vigilantes on patrol. One suspect escaped, while the other suspect, according to the vigilantes, turned into a goat. The goat was captured by the vigilantes and was turned over to police custody. Do you suspect that maybe the police arrested a member of the wrong species for the attempted robbery? If so, then, with all due respect, you are an idiot. We've got proof that goats are going mad all over the world.

 The Goat that Couldn't Go On

On Tuesday, a goat hung itself in Canada's Calgary Zoo.  The goat was playing with a ball and rope toy, and "accidentally" hung itself by the rope and died. A tragic accident, you say? Perhaps, and while there was no note left at the scene,  the article goes on to state that last November an elephant calf died of a "virus," and, in May 2008, 41 stingrays died for "reasons that have yet to be explained." Maybe unexplained to the so-called experts at the zoo, who were "there," and have studied animal behavior. But to our investigative eye, this has all the trappings of a classic Goat murder-suicide. And who can blame these poor creatures for their criminally aggressive behavior? It's really a bleat of protest in response to how we are treating them: 

Goat Milk?

In Massachusetts, goats are being genetically engineered to produce a protein in their milk that can be used to make pharmaceuticals for people. Scientists are injecting goat embryos with human genes, so that when the goats grow up, they produce milk that can be processed into drugs fit for human consumption. Now, honestly, if members of your species (human) were being genetically engineered to produce drugs for others, wouldn't you start to go berserk? 

So, what is the solution to this conflict between goat and man? Is there any way to buck this trend of increasing goat misbehavior? Is there anything we can doe? We don't know. Maybe there's mutton we can do.

The Talented Ms. Rice

Condi gets a deal

Photo/Art Credit: AP/Jeff Christensen

To Faithfully f*!& up the Presidential Oath

C'mon Roberts, you had one job to do!

Wolf Blitzer called it:  John Roberts had one job to do at the Presidential inauguration and he managed to screw it up. Seriously, the CHIEF JUSTICE of the United States can’t recite a 35-word passage without hacking up the section of the oath that every sixth grade social studies student knows?  Some have chalked it up to nerves (“this was his first time!”) while the conspiracy theorists are convinced he did it on purpose—one last kick from the feisty W on his way out.

Now, legal experts are debating  whether Barack Obama should retake the oath to officially become the president—just in case. In case of what, you ask? Probably in case the looneys who still believe that Obama wasn't born in Hawaii (despite overwhelming evidence that he was) won’t be finding a job anytime soon and will try and get a court to declare that he isn’t actually President because the oath was “flubbed.”   

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