Oh, Good, Star Wars Is Back

Disney has purchased Lucasfilm with the dastardly plan to release additional sequels or prequels to the “Star Wars” franchise.

True “Star Wars” fan boys are worried about this union, which allows Disney to use the franchise’s characters throughout its maniacally joyful empire. They fret that Disney will scrub clean every dark element from the story. In “Star Wars 7,” Jar Jar Binks will lose a bunch of weight and apologize for his wrongdoings. The Darth Vader role will be recast with Justin Bieber. A giant, happy parade – shiver – will march through the Death Star.

Disney just announced that the next film is targeted to open in 2015. That means three years for the hype to build to a sickening crescendo. Women must brace themselves for the speculation, the hand-wringing and the late-night eBay purchases in which their man blows the baby’s college fund on a bronze statue of Salacious B. Crumb.

So far, Lucas, who sold off his baby for $4.05 billion, has wisely agreed to not direct or produce any of these upcoming projects. No word yet on whether or not the new projects will include Princess Leia, a powerful depiction of a confident woman in killer side-buns. She is needed now more than ever. Help us, Princess Leia, you’re our only hope.