On a recent episode of the "Today Show," advertising barracuda Donny Deutsch threw in his two (thousand) cents worth of anti-aging advice. From his shiny mesh chair, bookended by Nancy Snyderman and Star Jones, he said of the plight of the aging woman: You gotta be confident. You gotta stay hot. You gotta love your body.
That's right, Donny. It doesn’t matter if you’re having a hot flash in the elevator at Target. Rock on with your clammy self.
That guy. Who knew he had so much to say about hormones? It’s like he’s a scientist – if the scientist was Joe Pesci. Sure, you could just change the channel, leaving Donny’s opinions about your sagging butt behind. But you can't avoid the din of anti-aging advice from the rest of humanity. You’d need to hole up in a cave. Just try to get through one day without being bombarded with commentary about your huge pores.
Remember when the only loudmouth expert you hated was Dr. Phil? Remember when you could live your life, carefree, without getting caught in the eye-cream debate firestorm? Well those days are over. Now, the array of “experts” with tips about how to defy time by applying the right serum has reached a freakish crescendo.
The good news is that you don’t have sit through all that advice. We’ve done that for you and distilled it down a series of bullet points. We watched hours of "Dr. Oz," "Tony Robbins" and "Deepak Chopra" talking about your mid-to-low self-esteem. We took note when Jon Bon Jovi said that older women should wear cowboy boots and jeans to look sexy. And we’ve heard everything Debby Boone and Victoria Principal have to say about the elasticity of your skin.
This here is the ultimate list. Read it, apply it, and enjoy eternal youth. And if you don’t, well, you’re on your own. But for what it’s worth, we think you look fabulous with or without bronzer.
You gotta feel comfortable in your own skin.
Make direct eye contact. Smile like a cheetah. Who cares if your sweatpants have a mustard stain on them - you gotta know you’re sexy the same way you know how fucked up humidity makes your bangs.
You can’t give up.
You’re a soldier now, and you’re in a war. You need to meet this bastard head on. Wheelchair bound? No excuse. You should be hurling grenades at your wrinkles like a green beret.
You gotta age gracefully.
Spot quiz: Does graceful mean fish lips and cement foreheads? No. Is it graceful to have so many bad facelifts your ears are on the back of your head? Don’t think so.
You gotta take this anti-aging shit seriously.
This is your neck. This is your neck without Retinol A. Any questions?
You gotta embrace your wisdom.
Don’t let the words “ma’am” or “crone” scare you. You’re entering the most wondrous time of your life. Hug it out with your newfound knowledge, wear more scarves and say “perhaps” more.
You gotta believe your age is just a number.
You may have the estrogen level of crostini, but you gotta reframe thoughts like I’m elderly. The only number you should be concerned with is the SPF number in your day cream.
You gotta work with whatcha got.
Use your emerging gourd shape as a reason to explore a new hobby, like musical theater. If Ethel Merman and Big Bird could remain captivating regardless of hip-size so can you.
You gotta stay positive.
Say you start to develop jowls that, in certain lighting, remind you of Granny Clampett. It doesn’t matter. All you need to focus on is stockpiling black market collagen and getting your ass to CP Shades.
Amy Shouse is a Los Angeles-based writer. Her website is OddGoodTrue.com.