The Centers for Disease Control hasn’t been controlling a lot of disease lately. Rather, it has been focused on preparing us, the public, for a whole string of other disasters. And the focus isn’t on prevention anymore, it’s on survival.
In May, the esteemed government department issued instructions on How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse. In addition to basics, items include household bleach, surgical masks, and, of course, duct tape. Then this week it released another guide: Tips for Surviving A Wedding. The suggested survival kit is comprised of sedatives, safety pins and a “bug out” bag that includes umbrellas, maps and “a whistle to call for help.” Note: Help won't come in the form of CDC officials, though it might hail you a cab so you can flee when you realize who you're marrying.
DAME contacted a secret source within the CDC* and discovered a series of other survival guides that the CDC is planning to release over the next few months. Is this a valid use of your tax dollars? Write your Congressman.
How to survive:
1. The Internet Going Down
Don’t go outside. The sun is out there. People are out there. The same people that you have been talking to online, except with their real faces. Best stay indoors, grab a Bible and pray for the Internet’s second coming.
2. The End of the Mayan Calendar
Drink plenty of fluids, get lots of rest the night before, elevate your feet and keep a cold compress around your neck. Also, scream for mercy.
3. Getting the Mail
Begin with 30-45 minutes of warm-up exercise and stretching. Exit the house, tumble roll, duck behind bushes. Once back inside, open carefully.
4. The Presidential Election
If Obama wins, pillage local grocer, buy copy of "Communist Manifesto" and Rosetta Stone Levels 1-5 Spanish (Latin America). Bienvenidos al socialismo, comrades!
If Romney wins, give up caffeine, sugar, weed and begin wearing holy Mormon undergarments. What’s your size, again?
5. A Baby Shower
Bring an uninvited friend who likes to drink too much. This way you have an excuse to bring her home early or get wasted with her and you can both be thrown out. The baby will be fine as long as you’re not the one expecting. In which case don’t have a baby shower.
6. Your BFF’s Engagement Party
Be alert at all times to the fact that she has gotten engaged before you. And that you’re single right now, so she’s basically rubbing your face in it. Remember to breathe deeply, bring your most expensive handbag, and buy her a gift that keeps giving like membership to the cake-of-the-month-club.
7. Barney’s Warehouse Sale
Paint face in camouflage. Dress in army colors. Arrive early. Stalk aisles like ninja. Grab shoes from opponent and toss them a few aisles away causing disorientation. Kick. Punch. Pay cash.
8. Beach Day
With BF - go at dusk when the light is just right (two-piece).
With BFF - go on a weekday when no guys are around (one-piece)
With kids - tell them the beach is under construction by Dora and some Transformers. Get a bag of sand and dump it in the back yard. Make margaritas, sip, and enjoy! (sweats)
9. A Bad Date
He’s boring: Get wasted
He’s cocky: Cry
He’s touchy: Start shaking uncontrollably
He’s kind, sexy and available: Just walk out. (He’s probably gay, anyway.)
10. That Hot Girl in Your Workout Class
Apply Crisco to her bike seat and replace the mirror she models in front of with one from a Fun House. Befriend her, and over the course of the next few years slowly whittle away her self-esteem.
* No we didn’t.
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