With the Supreme Court’s decision on the Affordable Healthcare Act (ACA) finally public, many expert observers are expressing concern. Will the American people accept the decision?
After Bush v. Gore in 2000 and Citizens United in 2010, large portions of the electorate have lost faith in the supposed impartiality of SCOTUS. They point to Clarence Thomas’s wife raising funds to fight Obamacare, or to Antonin Scalia’s fondness for the Tea Party. And ACA is a significant piece of legislation – it speaks to huge issues like states' rights, the individual mandate and the role of the federal government in American society.
So why not ask the judges that Americans truly respect and admire? Judges whom the electorate tune into night after night on television, sitting in rapt silence as they deliver their verdicts? You don’t hear your taxi driver up in arms about, say, Justice Anthony Kennedy’s interpretation of the commerce clause. But when it comes to Simon Cowell’s verdict on American Idol last night…
* We asked nine of America’s most popular judges how they would have ruled on this controversial piece of legislation.
“Hell-LO?!? Listen to me. Just answer this question: You wanna salvage the whole law or wreck it? I mean, you’re telling me that if a girl catches her boyfriend sleeping with her mom, gets all mad and takes his car, backs out of the driveway and hits a man who’s teaching his six-year-old how to ride a bike, so now the father can no longer work and the child has to sacrifice his prescription for diabetes medication… you’re telling me that the government can’t help these people? ARE YOU NUTS?!? Send this back to Congress.”
Judge Bruno Tonioli
“Government is a wild beast that cannot be tamed. It is passion and apathy. Division and unity. The individual mandate is the Lion of Judah feasting upon the remains of Bambi in the Black Forest at midnight. Shut up, for a minute, listen to me. It will take all the doctors in America to resuscitate this law and then Jack Kevorkian would slap dash it back together and make it stomp around like Frankenstein. I think I’m gonna be sick. My pancreas burst just listening to each of your arguments.”
Judge Joe Brown
“Allow me to enlighten you and eviscerate your ignorance. This fool [President Obama] signed a law, saying that ev-’ry-bo-dy need to get healthcare. Me? I take care of myself. When I need a doctor, I pay cash. I had a case the other day, this man had 15 kids with 13 women. Fine - that’s him, not me. I think he’s a fool but I ain’t gonna stop him. You want the federal government to provide free health care to them kids and your neighbor pay for it? I’ll bust you badly, son. President Obama? Arrest him!”
Judge Simon Cowell
“I’ve read this bill. I’ve heard the arguments. Honestly? It’s a complete and utter nightmare. This Solicitor General Donald Verrilli – he sounds terrible. It’s his voice. He should have been a butcher because of the hatchet job he did in defending the President’s stance. Whoever told him [Verrilli] he could be ‘solicitor general’ should be taken to the desert within 50 miles of an atomic blast site – then they should drop a bomb, and let the blast from the atomic wind de-glove the flesh from his body. Because that’s what listening to him defend the Healthcare law sounds like. And - I know you’re going to ‘boo’ me for saying this but - if you just lost a bit of weight, then maybe your healthcare costs wouldn’t be as high.”
Judge Howard Stern
“See, here’s my problem with it: if a midget is having sex with a donkey and the midget's wife walks in, startles the donkey, and the donkey ruptures the guy’s spleen… then what happens? Who’s gonna pay for that? The taxpayers? What happens if the guy is an immigrant? We gotta be fair about it.”
Judge Michael Kors
“It’s just not working for me. And neither are these robes. They look like a muumuu devoured a burka on the way to a reenactment of Ingmar Bergman's The Seventh Seal. There’s enough material here for a fat Pakistani woman to smuggle goats down a mountain and not trip once. They’re obscene and so is this law. It 2,700 pages of taxing tanning salons, creating breast feeding break rooms, and teaching that premarital sex is likely to have harmful psychological and physical effects. Ew! It’s just too long - cut, cut, cut!”
Judge Steven Tyler
“Ch-ch-ch-ch-challenge the law. The health care la-la-la-la-law. Mmmmm... yeah. It’s all about freedom, man. I’m free and you’re free and it’s beautiful. And big Pharm has got to be free too, coz they are making way better drugs than you can find on the street right now. Like the Lunesta pills I crushed up and snorted this morning. WOOOAAHHH!!! But my thing is, if I want to vajazzle my junk with sequins, that’s on me, not the taxpayer. Free healthcare? Dream On!”
Judge Donald Trump
“My decision on Obamacare is the most highly anticipated event in all of television. C-SPAN’s ratings are about to go though the roof. Let’s be honest, millions of Americans all over the globe are watching because of me. So, to hear my decision on the constitutionality of the Obamacare Act, tune into my hit shows ‘The Apprentice’ on NBC, the 61st Annual Miss Universe Pageant also on NBC, and my YouTube channel ‘Trump’ by me, Donald Trump. Each program will hold a clue which, when combined, will reveal my crucial ruling. And embedded within the ruling is the long form version of Barack Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate.”
“I’m not actually a judge, but I’ll do my best. This isn’t the first time this has happened. I guess the biggest lesson is to not name your kid Judge. How about naming him Senator or Vice-Chancellor? Naming your kid Judge can lead to psychological disorders, and um, burden taxpayers with additional mental health costs... I, hereby decree. Or something litigious and official. If this is gonna keep happening I should really get my license.”
* No, we didn't.