As a wannabe actor, I go to wannabe actor parties. And the one thing that keeps all us losers going are the rumors we hear through our fringe connections about real celebrities. Because it’s us out-of-work actors who wax their backs, write their tweets and taste their food for poison.
Your Aunt Cathy knows that Richard Gere dated a guinea pig for six months (and by guinea pig I mean Louie Anderson). Everyone’s heard the rumor that there’s a straight Scientologist in Hollywood somewhere. But I’m talking about the kind of rumors you hear when you’re the delivery driver who disposes of a celebrity miscarriage stuffed into a Jerry’s Deli takeout bag in the L.A. River for $50. What I’m trying to say is, we’re close to these people. We know their secrets.
I should say, even though I can’t vouch for their truth, I do have intimate knowledge of the five rumors I’m sharing with you now. In fact, I was there when they started.
1: Wilford Brimley was only 31 when he filmed the 80s classic Cocoon.
Celebrity ages are always great for rumors. And Wilford Brimley certainly has the youthfulness of a 31-year-old as he cannonballs into the pool with all those cancer kid aliens. But what about his mustache? Did he dye it yellow to get old man work? I believe it. Shave off B-Rims’ mustache, shave that head, shave that back (and front), shave that ear hair, shave that nose hair, shave off those skin tags and shave off 70lbs and…he’s Bruce Willis in Die Hard.
2: Halle Berry and Billy Bob Thornton had actual sex in Monster’s Ball.
The rumor has followed Ned Beatty for years that every love scene in his career was the genuine article. (Ed: Check whether rumor actually involves Warren Beatty). But did passion overtake Halle Berry and Billy Bob? Did Halle catch a glimpse of Billy’s Monster Balls and bing, bang, boom?
3: Channing Tatum is smart.
You’re trying to become Hollywood’s next big action star but right there on your acting resume - between “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” (as the husband) and that failed reality series about the crazy world of arcade crane prize machines called “American Grabbers” - it says Astrophysicist. Casting directors are confused: Why is this muscle-bound guy with lifeless eyes like a doll (or a shark), talking about black holes and string theory? Channing quickly learns that starring as Dev Hawkins the FBI agent who saves the world from genetically-modified giraffes (their necks are really, really long) means he doesn’t need to be smart. In fact he needs to be kind of dumb. So he drops the Astrophysicist thing and starts referring to every powerbroker in Tinsel Town, male or female, as Bro or Dude or BroDude. The parts come pouring in.
4: Andy Garcia was born a Siamese Twin.
All celebrity plastic surgery stories take a back seat to this one. Andy Garcia had a conjoined twin removed from his side as a youth in Cuba. Only one would live and Andy did. The second version of this story goes that the lump of flesh removed from Garcia was disposed of but then discovered and raised by villagers and grew up to be Joe Mantegna.
5: Meg Ryan is missing.
It’s common to hear things like “Whatever happened to Luke Perry?” or “When’s the last time anyone saw a Michelle Pfeiffer movie?” But this Meg Ryan rumor is different. It’s not that she’s missing from Hollywood, it’s that she’s an actual missing person, and has been for three years. Is she a spy for the government? Is she researching a role as a high school student and going through all six years until graduation? The possibilities are endless. But the real question is, what does this say about “us” as a “society”? Why didn’t “we” notice? She’s America’s Sweetheart! It just goes to show, that not all Hollywood rumors are fun. Some are deeply sad.